


Empty

by TheLostViking



Category: VIXX
Genre: Angst, M/M, Smut, Vixx - Freeform, kpop, neo - Freeform, taekyeon, thelostviking
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-04-25
Updated: 2015-04-25
Packaged: 2018-07-10 17:01:03
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 11
Words: 23,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6996862
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheLostViking/pseuds/TheLostViking
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Cha Hakyeon is thrown into a relationship with soccer player Jung Taekwoon after a one-night stand. As his feelings become deeper he is constantly challenged by the many problems Taekwoon seem to have in his life, but refuses to give up.</p><p>This story is non-chronological and very emotional. It's supposed to be a mess. Please we warned.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Empty (The End)

“You don’t love me?” Hakyeon can’t believe his ears. After fooling around for 6 months, he had finally gathered the courage to confess his feelings, but the response was far from what he wanted.

“No.” Taekwoon stares at his shoes, shoulders hanging pitifully.

“Do you even need me?” He feels a lump growing in his throat, his voice already becoming harder to control. Taekwoon’s dark, intense eyes flash up and look him straight in the eyes. “Yes.”

“Why?” He tries to look Taekwoon hard in the eyes, but feel them shaking a little – his composure failing slowly. The taller man’s eyes bat back down to the ground. “I don't know” he answers with a defeated sigh.

“Why shouldn't I leave you?” He swallows thickly, feeling anger rising from deep within.

“I need you here.” Hakyeon let go of a shaky sigh. “Why?” he asks weakly.

“I don-“

“Why?” he interrupts him, determined to hear a proper reason.

“...” Taekwoon chews his lip, thinking hard. “I'm scared” he says, hesitating. Hakyeon blinks. His arm lifts itself, placing his hand on the other’s shoulder, who flinches almost invisibly at the touch, taking a sharp intake of air.

“Of what?” Hakyeon keeps his voice strict, despite the tender touch. The eyes flash back up to Hakyeon’s with clear intent. “I don't want to be alone.”

Hakyeon’s eyes widen for a millisecond, the honest answer surprising him. “What about me?”

Eyes once again fall to the ground. “I'm sorry.”

He sighs again in defeat. “I'm going to need more than that. It hurts me you know.” Taekwoon flinches. “I know.”

Taking a shaky breath, his hand squeezes the shoulder it was holding. “It really...hurts.” His hand falls sloppily to rest at his side.

“I'm so-“

“Shut up. Don't say it. I hate it.” He closes his eyes, feeling the tears welling. Tightening his fists he shakes his head, trying to will them away.

“...”

“So you’re using me?”

The other’s hand shoot up to grab Hakyeon’s shoulder. “It's not like that.”

“Then what? You're just scared? You have friends, make them keep you company.” He wiggles off the hand on his shoulder, feeling a little sick.

“No, they're not like you.” The words are soft, making Hakyeon whine quietly at the longing feeling it stirs up in his gut. He looks back up at him. “So you do think we have more than just a friendship?”

“Yeah, of course.” He can see the hope in the other’s eyes. “But not love.” And just like that, the light of hope in his eyes inflates. “...no.” He answers.

“Fuck you. Seriously.” Hakyeon kicks the ground, a small rock hitting Taekwoon’s leg, making him flinch again. Hakyeon starts turning to leave, but is stopped by the other’s strong hand gripping his arm.

“I-...” Taekwoon hesitates, chewing his lip again. Hakyeon takes his arm and releases himself from the grip harshly. “I poured everything out for you. I really love you! Why?” He asks, feeling the anger rise again as a tear falls down his cheek.

Taekwoon’s arm is still reaching towards him, despite being forced away, his fingers twitching a little as if he tries to grab something. “I don't deserve it, I know.” His eyes are closed, brows furrowed deeply.

“Yeah, you're treating me like trash.” He spits back and starts turning again, trying to escape before more tears start falling. “I don't think I can do it.”

The other’s words make him stop in his own tracks. He waits, not looking back at him. “Do what?”

“Feel.” The despair in his voice is clear.

“You don't feel anything?” A half chuckle escapes him as he says it. Impossible.

“Never did.”

Hakyeon turns around and looks at Taekwoon in disbelief. “You're so fucked up.”

Taekwoon releases a long sigh. “Yeah…”

Hakyeon takes a step towards him, still suspicious. They’ve kissed, cuddled and had sex a bunch of times; how could he not feel anything? “Did you fake it all?”

His long arms fly up in full denial. “No!” Hakyeon releases another disbelieving half-chuckle. “So you do feel.”

“Desire. Pleasure.” His hand comes up to rub his own neck as he says it, but he doesn’t look embarrassed. Hakyeon cocks an eyebrow. “…I guess that helps a little.” Not really, though.

Taekwoon looks back up, eyes pleading. “I really want to… Love you.” It sounded sincere, he thought.

“But?”

“I'm just empty. Sex is the only thing that makes me feel.”

Taken aback at the sudden confession, Hakyeon’s eyes widen. The man didn’t even bat an eye when he said it. And here he thought he was the bold one. “What are you saying?”

“I feel it when we have sex.” It was clear he had found some new determination, as he takes a step forward, hand reaching toward him. Hakyeon shies away. “What?”

“Love.”

“But then what? It just goes away after?” He feels a little lost as he starts to understand.

“I become empty again.”


	2. Waiting

“Ahh… why can’t they fix that elevator already...” Hakyeon mumbles as he carries himself and two bags of groceries up the last step to his floor around 4 AM. Working late nights was tiring enough, having to climb six stories to get home didn’t make it any easier. He stops to catch his breath, stretches his back and makes his way down the hallway to his apartment at the very end. He lives in an old, cheap building with a very dysfunctional elevator. Even if it did work, he rarely dared to use it. It would always make terrible noises and had a really bad habit of trapping people. Taekwoon avoided it at all cost, not comfortable with its tiny size compared to his big frame. Understandable, as even a child would find the metal trap pretty stuffy.

Lazily punching in his code – at least they keep some things updated in this building – the happy noise of the door opening greeted him, as well as the weak light from a lamp inside. “Taekwoon must be here” he mumbles and shakes off his shoes, struggling to keep his balance with grocery bags in both hands making it harder to do so. He had given the code to his boyfriend pretty early, he seemed to like his place better than his own, and was no longer surprised finding him in bed after late nights at the company.

Entering the main room of the apartment, joint kitchen and livingroom with an open loft above for his bed, he could recognize a bundle of blankets with a black head of hair sticking out on his sofa. “Why aren’t you in bed yet?” He asks as he sets his groceries on his beloved kitchen island.

No answer. He smiles fondly to himself, pausing to look at the even movements of breathing making the pile rise and fall slowly. He sighs as he starts placing his groceries for breakfast in the little fridge behind him. It was a small kitchen, only room enough for one person at a time, but he loved his kitchen island where he and Taekwoon would drink coffee and eat breakfast in silence in the mornings. He would look at his boyfriend and easily read what he was feeling. As he took a sip of strong, black coffee; content, munching his first spoon of rice; delight. The man really loved breakfast after his morning run and shower, and seemed thankful enough for Hakyeon to happily provide it for him.

Setting the last pack of banana milk in the fridge, he threw the plastic bag in with the others he never re-used and walked over to the sleeping body occupying his sofa. Crouching down beside the head he was close enough to hear the breathing hitching, the body coming back to consciousness. He lifted a blanket flap covering the man’s face and looked into dark, but groggy, eyes. “Hey” He smiles, always finding Taekwoon so adorable when sleepy. The man only blinks at him, taking a deep breath and whining slightly. Hakyeon can’t help but chuckle.

“Why aren’t you in bed?” His boyfriend only groans as he moves to sit up, moving the blankets trapping him. Hakyeon’s eyes widen a little in surprise as he realizes the other has no clothes underneath, his chest exposed as he sits up straight and the blankets fall to wrap around his torso. “Why are you naked?”

Taekwoon’s head falls down as he watches himself, as if he didn’t know just how naked he was. Another groan escapes and a blush creeps across his cheeks. “I was waiting for you to come home and wanted to surprise you, but you were so late and I got cold…” he trails off, looking defeated. He looks up with sad eyes and something that could be a pout if you look very, very closely. “Why are you so late?” His voice is so quiet Hakyeon can barely hear him speaking, but he was well used to listening by now. He chuckles. Cute. He pats the other’s head lovingly, like a pet. “Our trainees finally set a debut date, they wanted to practice all night. I told them to stop at 3 am though, they looked ready to faint.” Taekwoon’s eyes were drifting shut again as he spoke, clearly tired.

“Come on, let’s go to bed.” He rises to his feet, patting Taekwoon’s shoulders to wake him up a little. A huff of breath escapes the other, dreading the climb up the steep ladder to the loft. “Carry me” He says flatly. Hakyeon chuckles again. “Dude, you’re like, twice my size. Come on, I’m desperate for sleep.” He takes Taekwoon’s hand and drags him up to stand, the lanky body rising sloppily and revealing a very naked appearance. Hakyeon automatically glances away, a little embarrassed, and turns to drag the man with him to bed and get some well-deserved sleep.

\--

Hakyeon wakes up the next day to find his bed already missing a person. Taekwoon has a strict morning routine, which he follows through no matter how late, drunk or tired he was the night before. Hakyeon find it all very alien, as he likes taking his time getting out of bed and then having a long, relaxing breakfast. Their routines, rather Taekwoon’s routine and Hakyeon’s lack of one, mingled together quite nicely; Taekwoon woke up first for his morning run. Hakyeon would eventually wake up and start making some kind of breakfast, somehow always finishing by the time Taekwoon had both returned and showered, happily hopping onto the high chair by the kitchen island and giving the food a loving stare.

Hakyeon grunts as he tries to rise from his bed without hitting his head; the loft not exactly allowing a person of his height to stand up straight. Taekwoon curse at it every time he’s over. Hakyeon usually ends up rolling out bed and then starts to half crawl, half trying to stand up on his way to the ladder. Today he only crawls, body incredibly stiff from working overtime in the company dance studio the night before. He’s in great shape and usually never turned sore after a workday, but last night had pushed his limits.

A lot of grunting and whimpering later, Hakyeon manages to climb down the ladder, put on some baggy clothes fit for a Sunday, and open his fridge to stare at the groceries he had bought in a tired haze the day before. “Why did I buy so many eggs?” He rubs his eyes, trying to will away the sight he saw. He had bought a total three big packs of eggs, banana milk, kimchi, some kind of meat and instant seaweed soup. Great prospects for a breakfast, but not so much for the dinner he had originally planned on not ordering in. “I suck at making eggrolls…” he sighs as he grabs a pack of eggs and place them on the counter above the small fridge. He grabs the instant seaweed soup and throws it on the counter as well before turning to the rice cooker.

It was usually the happy melody the rice cooker sang when it was done that woke Hakyeon up in the mornings, as Taekwoon always prepared it before going for his run. The days Taekwoon was not sleeping there would usually result in Hakyeon sleeping for almost the entire day, or at least until he had to go to work if it was a workday. Hakyeon had realized that there was a lot less of those days lately, the other coming over more and more as their relationship lasted.

He opens the rice cooker and is welcomed with a delicious and familiar smelling steam, which makes him sigh happily and feeling a little more awake. He scoops the rice into two topped bowls, both of them big eaters, and sets them on the kitchen island. As he starts heating the frying pan for the meat, which turned out to be pork, and heat up the instant soup, the sound of the door being opened catches his attention. “Already? Was I that slow?” he speaks loudly, so the other can hear him as he enters. He hears some rustling and then Taekwoon thuds in on his bare feet, dripping socks in hand. “It started raining.” He stated, hair wet, breath short and face a little sour. Hakyeon just stares at him, finding the wet hair a little distracting. “Did you sprint home?” He asks, still staring. Taekwoon nodded before striding to the bathroom and returning with a towel in his hair. He sniffs the air a little, taking interest in what Hakyeon was making. “What’s for breakfast?” He slumps down on one of the chairs, both hands rubbing his hair with the towel.

“Seaweed soup, rice and some pork. Not very exciting. It seems I was a little too tired when shopping yesterday." He rubs the back of his neck, feeling a little stupid. "I bought three big packs of eggs.” He points in the general direction of the eggs behind him on the counter beside the stove, his body half turned towards the kitchen island to face the other when answering. “I have no idea how to make eggrolls though. I find the whole ordeal a little intimidating.” He grimaces. He knows how to make some food, but he was never a confident cook. Taekwoon gives him a small, affectionate smile and throws away the towel as he stands up. Hakyeon stares at him dumbly as he makes his way around the kitchen island and motions Hakyeon to move out of the tight space between the row of counters and the island. “Are you going to make it?” He asks, handing over the spatula he was holding. Taekwoon simply nods and shuffles past Hakeyon as he exits the space.

Hakyeon watches in complete awe as Taekwoon reveals for the first time that he is, in fact, a pretty good cook. In no time the island is set with a perfect eggroll, soup, kimchi and stir-fried pork in addition to the bowls of rice. A satisfied smirk spreads on Taekwoon’s face as he watches Hakyeon cut the eggroll to reveal that it, yes indeed, was perfectly cooked. Hakyeon looks at his smirking face and kind of wanted to both slap him and fuck him at the same time. “Why am I the one making food when you’re actually a pro?” He asks, feeling a little tricked. The other just shrugs his shoulders. “I like that it’s ready when I come out of the shower.” He says simply, sitting down beside Hakyeon and grabbing his chopsticks. Hakyeon can’t help but raise an eyebrow at the man beside him, not sure if the answer makes him happy or not. A little flattered, maybe.

“Make breakfast more often.” He states after eating in silence for a while. Taekwoon nods.


	3. Morning After (The Beginning)

Hakyeon had never felt so vulnerable. He had woken up feeling sore in his entire body, head aching and a stranger beside him. Well, not entirely a stranger; he knew his name, how old he was and that he was a total beast in bed – much to his delight. But now, as he sat curled up in his own queen sized bed and was watching the other sleep soundly, long limbs spread out widely, mouth open – he felt really insecure. Phone in hand, a message from Wonshik asking if he was okay blinking at him. What now?

It had started with him and Wonshik going out clubbing together, the two of them the only singles left in their group. After a few shots of liquid courage, he had put his sights on a tall, dark haired man with a brooding stare. He had been giving Hakyeon glances all night, making him feel incredibly sexy and attractive. He had the eyes of a predator, but not on the hunt – merely observing the scene. Hakyeon had decided to make the move, and was soon awarded the man’s full attention. It was like he was waiting for Hakyeon to come over and talk to him, only then willing to give in to what he was clearly thinking while casting those hungry glances. Talking had turned into dancing, which then turned into grinding (more like dry-humping), and before he knew it he was dragging the man towards his apartment – drunk and hornier than he had ever been his entire life.

It had been the best sex of his life, both of them a little more sober when arriving at his home but not any less horny. It was rough, but he had been considerate – always making sure he was okay with the occasional pain and rough treatment. The eyes had changed as they got more intimate, warming up, revealing a lot of emotion bundled up and hidden away. Hakyeon could see it all, but kept quiet about it. The man, now revealed to be the same age as him and called Taekwoon, had an incredible sexual appetite and stamina. After three intense orgasms, Hakyeon had finally passed out and slept undisturbed through the night.

He rested his head on his knees as he watched the body beside him. His apartment was quite warm during sunrise and sunset, so the blankets had clearly been kicked around a couple of times during the night – only covering Taekwoon’s ass and thighs, as he slept on his stomach. He had a muscular back, now covered in faint red streaks from Hakyeon’s desperate clawing during the night. It had been so intense the last round; he had used all his available energy trying to claw some kind of hold on the other’s back. He blushed at the thought, feeling something stir awake in his abdomen.

He had never expected the other to stay the whole night, but then again; he knew nothing of the dynamics or rules of a one-night stand. Would he leave once he woke up? He kind of wanted to cuddle, feeling very timid as he sat and waited for the other to wake. He discarded his phone in hand and reached out to trace the streaks on Taekwoon’s back, feeling a little guilty for leaving marks. There was marks left on his own body as well, most of them located on his neck as the other had realized it was very sensitive. Given enough attention; his neck could leave him fully hard within few minutes. He rubbed absentmindedly at the back of his neck with his free hand.

Goosebumps appeared on Taekwoon’s skin as Hakyeon touched it. He heard a long intake of breath, and then his eyes opened. Hakyeon froze, realizing how obvious it was that he had been watching him sleep. A blush crept across his face as the other just blinked at him, seemingly trying to puzzle together exactly where he was and why he was there. Then he sighed, closing his eyes again and nudged his body a tiny bit closer to Hakyeon. “Don’t stop.” He said, voice a little muffled by the sheets, pillows long gone some time the night before. Hakyeon instantly felt relief and calm wash over him and continued stroking the other’s back.

They stayed like that for a while, until Hakyeon had stroked his entire backside. He stopped stroking and retreated his hand to hold around himself. He felt a little cold, completely naked and blanket lost somewhere on the floor of his loft. “Taekwoon sighed and opened his eyes again, eyeing Hakyeon in a way that made him feel even more naked – if possible. “You sore?” He asked. Hakyeon blushes a little, nodding timidly with a pitiful look on his face. He wasn’t looking forward to climbing the ladder to the first floor. Something flashed over the other’s eyes, and he moved to sit up as well, untangling from his blanket. Hakyeon watched him questionably as he moved to lean his back to the wall behind the bed and motioned for Hakyeon to sit in front of him.

He had to motion for him to come over a second time for him to actually move in to sit between his stretched out legs, back facing him. He hadn’t moved close enough to actually make skin contact, but soon hands were on his hips and simply hoisting him all the way to his lap. He felt the other’s softened privates against his back, and he felt really uncomfortable. They didn’t know each other nearly enough to sit like this, he thought. As he was about to speak up about it, Taekwoon started massaging his shoulders and he shut up.

He rubbed all the sore areas on his shoulders, neck and back; giving extra attention to his lower back and the marks he had made on the back of his neck. His body had gradually relaxed more and more, and soon he sat half asleep leaning back towards the touch. Taekwoon was like a professional, knowing exactly where to rub his strong hands in order to make him loosen up. He could easily get used to this, he thought to himself – mind drifting.

After a while Taekwoon stopped working on his back and simply let Hakyeon’s back fall back to lean on his chest. His hands moved expertly to work on his chest instead; waking up a quite different reaction in Hakyeon. Slowly he felt himself becoming aroused as the hand moved around his chest and abs, occasionally moving to teasingly touch his nipples or sneak down towards his abdomen and his slowly growing erection – still very sensitive from the day before. Taekwoon nuzzled his face into the crook on the side of Hakyeon’s neck, placing soft, suckling kisses and small bites to the skin, making him suck in a sharp breath and shudder. Pleasure made its way towards his dick, twitching slightly. Taekwoon hummed in approval, both hands now sneaking down to rub at his hipbones. Hakyeon groaned, feeling exhausted from the night before and completely gave in to the touches he was receiving. His head fell back to rest on the shoulder behind him, legs spreading to give more access. The pleasure he was feeling from such simple touches was overwhelming, and he wanted more. So much more.

He whined as Taekwoon kept rubbing his hand around the area of his erection, but never actually touching it. It was fully hard now, flushed red, leaking and pointing upwards, an almost painful ache making Hakyeon desperate for more touches. His hands, which had been clutching the other’s knees on either side of his body, released their desperate hold to reveal him of the pain. Taekwoon was soon to catch them before he reached anything, though, giving him a playful bite on the neck as punishment. Hakyeon whined pitifully. “Please… I need…something, anything.” He pleaded, eyes closed tight, brows furrowed. “Shhhhh-” Taekwoon answered, and Hakyeon could feel his smirk on his neck.

He was breathing heavily by now, lost in a trance where he could only sit leaned back-to-chest and receive whatever he was offered. The other was in complete control of him, and he seemed to enjoy it just as much as Hakyeon’s body; his erection very apparent up against Hakyeon’s back.

“Please.” He pleaded again. The pain of not being touched where he needed it the most was almost unbearable, and he was afraid a single touch to his rock-hard erection would have him come embarrassingly hard and fast. He had previously felt cold, but now he felt as if his entire body was on fire – every part of it hyper-sensitive to the touches of the other. He didn’t know what to do. He didn’t know how he could endure such pleasure. He had never experienced anything so intense. All he could do was breathe heavily and rub his ass on Taekwoon’s erection behind him, creating a delicious friction between them.

That clearly pleased Taekwoon, as a deep groan escaped him from deep within his chest. His hands faltered, rather clawing weakly than rubbing at Hakyeon’s sensitive thighs. Hakyeon gasped at the sensation of nails scraping skin. Attention now more directed towards the other; Hakyeon realized he’s breathing quite heavily as well. Pleased, he continued to rub his body against him using his hands on the other’s thighs to lift himself, earning a hitch of breath at every move.

Soon Taekwoon started to sound like he was close to an end, the touches a little more desperate. Hakyeon released a surprised shout as a hand wrapped around his neglected length, pumping it slowly. Teeth bit down on his neck and he felt the man behind him having his release, the hand wrapped around him squeezing a little at the intensity. It drove Hakyeon over the edge as well, his entire body tensing and bucking into the hand still stroking his erection. He wasn’t able to breathe for a full minute as his orgasm rocked through him, hips twitching and hands clawing Taekwoon’s knees and thighs tightly. When he finally was able to release his breath, he fell back onto the other – completely exhausted, body only moving to the rise and fall of the other’s chest. His long arms wrapped around Hakyeon and hugged him tightly, both of them still in a sitting position. The come covering his back felt icky as is was squeezed out by the tight embrace, but he didn’t care. With eyes closed he sighed contently, happy about his decision to bring this man home.


	4. Friends

“Is Taekwoon coming too?” Hakyeon looked up from his iced drink to look at Wonshik thoughtfully. Was he going to invite him to Hongbin’s birthday party?

“I don’t know... I guess he is? I think he’ll come if I ask.” He answers, still in thought. He knew the man was not a big fan of crowds and getting a lot of attention, but at the same time he did enjoy clubbing. He had met him at a nightclub himself, two months ago. It would be worth a try.

Wonshik kind of pulled a face, while trying to keep a straight face at the same time. He didn’t like Taekwoon very much, even though he had only met him once and actually never talked to him. Hakyeon and Taekwoon was walking home from shopping groceries one day during their first month of hanging, and bumped into Wonshik and Jaewhan – another mutual friend. Basically Taekwoon hadn’t spoken a word and just kind of creepily hovered over Hakyeon’s shoulder, as he was a little taller. His permanent blank face didn’t seem to help the impression either; the meeting resulting in Taekwoon being nicknamed “creepy guy” among all of their friends. Words spread fast whenever Hakyeon had a new guy with him, their group a very friendly and supportive one, but also a bad mix of gossip junkies. The only one of them who didn’t turn to lowly acts like gossiping was Wonshik – making him the bank of secrets. He knew everyone’s shit, because everyone told him everything. He had earned it, though. He rarely spilled.

“You told them didn’t you?” Hakyeon realized after deciphering the look he was trying to hide. He groaned as if in pain when Wonshik’s face turns guilty. “They know you tell me everything!” He quickly speaks up in his own defense. “Jaehwan saw you with him that day, he told Hongbin and Sanghyuk and they all forced me to spill it.” Hakyeon hides in his arms, making the other a little flustered. “You know I think he’s creepy, I needed someone to talk to about it. You know we’re all worried.”

Hakyeon looks up in disbelief. “Worried? About what? He’s not dangerous, he’s just not very talkative.” He was truly annoyed by his friend’s ignorance by now. “Plus, we haven’t even defined our status yet. We’re just hanging out. A lot.” He added.

“We all just know him as the one-night stand that never left.” Wonshik says. He had a point, Hakyeon had to admit. They knew nothing about him. All they knew was that he was, in fact, Hakyeon’s first one-night stand. Which, obviously, failed miserably at being just one night. They were usually not protective of him at all, with the exception of Wonshik – who was protective of all of them – but that might be because Hakyeon was usually very careful when picking potential partners. When he suddenly started dragging around a big, blank-faced man around without telling anyone but Wonshik, it was bound to make them wonder.

“I guess it’s about time he is introduced to the pack then.” He smirks as Wonshik grimaces at the name. He liked calling them a pack, mostly because all of the other’s hated it. It was a nickname that showed up when they were in University, all of them sharing a cramped dorm and all hung over one morning, watching Animal Planet. A documentary about wolves was on and Hakyeon found many similarities. He had deemed himself the role as female alpha, as she was the true boss of the pack while the alpha male was the official leader and protector. All the others were pack members, as he didn’t find any of them worthy to be called an alpha like him. He might have been a little full of himself back then. Possibly.

“You think he’ll be okay, though? I mean, we can be a bit much.” Wonshik says. They were all a pretty closed up bunch, all of them pretty shy of strangers. They were also very loud. And lame – they were aware of that fact.

“Yeah, I think it’ll be fine. He’s not too social, but I know he’s confident. He’ll survive.”

\--

“No.” Taekwoon’s answer was pretty clear, even in Hakyeon’s third try of asking if he wanted to tag along to Hongbin’s birthday party. He was now forced to try pouting, knowing it was a secret weakness – not because Taekwoon found it cute, but because he hated him doing it and agreeing made Hakyeon stop.

“Please? I really want them to meet you.” Taekwoon looks almost like he’s in pain when he sees the pout, truly finding it disgusting. He preferred Hakyeon’s more sexy side, like licking his lips or giving him laps dances while staring down at him like he was a his slave (he really did have a look that could make you feel like that). Pouting just made him look weird. He turned around and started walking away to take that shower he had been on his way to for twenty minutes, only to be blocked on his way.

“They call you Creepy Guy.”

Taekwoon stopped in his tracks. Creepy Guy? Really?

He turned to find the other smirking, knowing he’d won. “I’m not joining your pack.” He declares, and then enters the bathroom to avoid the sight of Hakyeon’s victory dance. He paused after closing the door, before deciding on a price for his loss. “You owe me a blowjob!” He shouted through the door, earning a sing-tone “sure thing!” back. He couldn’t help but smile a little.

\--

Taekwoon and Hakyeon sat across from each other in their own worlds. They were on the tube, on their way to the bar of choice for Hongbin’s party. It was inconveniently far away from Hakyeon’s apartment, but the place had a special meaning to the group of friends. It was their special bar, during University, where they met every weekend to drink out their worries and play games together. Hakyeon’s eyes had turned a little glossy when telling Taekwoon about it, after he complained about the distance.

Taekwoon nudged the other’s leg to get his attention, startling him out of deep thoughts. “Tell me about your friends. What do I need to know in order to survive this circus?” He was pretty unaware of how Hakyeon’s group of friends acted together, but after listening in on some phone calls, hearing some crazy stories about the one called Jaehwan and considering how Hakyeon called them his ‘pack’, had him guessing they were the rowdy kind. The kind you see in movies about crazy groups of friends who get each other in and out of trouble using questionable methods. The kind he was no fan of. Hakyeon smiled at him, obviously happy for his interest. He took a moment to think, most likely filtering out the craziest parts.

“Okay, so there’s Wonshik and Jaehwan, who you’ve already met.” He began and Taekwoon gave him a confirming nod, remembering the day about a month ago. “And then there’s Hongbin and Sanghyuk, the two youngest.” He paused to think again, seemingly not sure where to start. “Okay, so we met at University because we were placed in the same dorm. Hongbin, Jaehwan and I shared a room, and Wonshik and Sanghyuk the other. We all got along pretty quickly and it had kind of stayed that way after we graduated. We’re all working for the same company, so we see each other a lot.” He nods thoughtfully. “What do you need to know, though?” He snaps and points his finger at Taekwoon after a short pause, making him jump slightly in his seat. “Be careful of Hongbin and Sanghyuk. They both look sweet and innocent, but in reality they’re both spawns of Satan when put together. Do not take their jokes seriously, even though they can seem a bit hurtful at times.” He makes a face as he says that, likely a victim to these… Satanists.

When Taekwoon shows no reaction other than blinking understandingly, Hakyeon continues. “Wonshik is an angel, but he is very protective. He’ll probably stare at you a lot, but don’t be creeped out about it.” How could he not? “Quiet people like you make Jaehwan really nervous, so he’ll probably make a lot of really bad jokes or be extra loud to compensate. Try not to seem too annoyed by it, as it only makes him worse.” He sniggers at the thought. Taekwoon just looks at him with his signature blank face. Inside he was becoming nervous. The speakers announce their stop and Hakyeon gives him a supportive squeeze on the shoulder as they stand up to leave. “Don’t be nervous, they’re really nice.”

\--

Taekwoon was a pretty confident person. He felt handsome enough, he was a pretty good soccer player on a pretty decent team, good at a lot of things and in good shape. That did however not mean he was very fond of big crowds of people. He was the kind of person to enjoy sitting in a private room with people he knew and have fun in private. As he entered Hakyeon and his friend’s beloved college pub, completely packed with drunk college students celebrating a Friday night; he wanted to turn on his heel and run back to the subway. The only thing stopping him from doing so was Hakyeon’s iron grip on his jacket sleeve as they pushed through the crowd towards a group of tall men waving them in. He gritted his teeth, fighting the urge to drag him back out.

“Hey guys! I’d forgotten how full this place could get!” Hakyeon shouted over the general loud volume of the pub. He was all smiles, that idiot, not realizing this wasn’t a very good thing for a birthday party. Plus; they all looked really old and creepy among the college kids. Taekwoon looked over at the group of friends. They were all staring at him, and he realized his face must be looking pretty sour at the moment. He made eye contact with the one he remembers as Jaehwan, who quickly looked over at Hakyeon instead. At the table there was two beers waiting for them, and a lot more in two big mugs in the middle of the table. They want me drunk, huh? He was most definitely not a good drinker, the activity in general very bad for his career. He looks back up and saw the one called Wonshik motioning for them to sit down at the table. He decides he doesn’t need to introduce himself and sat down beside him. They had chosen a high, round table in a corner of the pub, not far from the bar and a bit away from the crowd and music. Even so; talking normally was not really an option.

There was a little bit of an awkward silence, everyone quietly sipping their beers and stealing glances at Taekwoon. He realized it had to be because of his lack of an introduction and nudged his foot at Hakyeon.

“AH! Sorry!” He looked over at Taekwoon, finally realizing. He turned back to the others, his hand grasping Taekwoon’s shoulder. “Everyone, this is Taekwoon.” He nodded at them all, all of them nodding back, some of them smiling. Hakyeon turned back to him again, finger pointing at the person beside himself. “Taekwoon, this is birthday boy Hongbin, Sanghyuk, Jaehwan and Wonshik.” He pointed at all of them as he made the round around the table, ending at Wonshik beside Taekwoon. Wonshik was soon to break the silence as he had been introduced.

“Nice to meet you properly Taekwoon, I’ve heard a lot about you from Hakyeon.” Hakyeon looked at him nervously at that. “I’m sure.” He answered, just loudly enough to be heard, and drank his first sip of beer. It was incredibly bitter, and sour. He grimazed. It had been a while. Hakyeon’s hand found its way to his thigh and squeezed, a thankful gesture.

After the initial introduction, the group soon moved on to what seemed their normal behavior. There was a lot of joking, games and teasing. Taekwoon soon realized Sanghyuk and Jaehwan was a couple, the two of them a lot touchier to each other than the others. In the more-than-friends kind of way. He had heard from Hakyeon that Wonshik was the only single friend in their group at the moment, but it didn’t seem like Hongbin had invited his partner to the party.

Taekwoon realized, after he had finished his first beer by sipping it very slowly, that observing this group of friends was surprisingly amusing. It was clear that Hakyeon loved them all a lot, his whole aura completely changed after they arrived. They had a certain chemistry among them that was to be envied, full of jokes only they understood and the conversation never coming to a full stop. He found himself laughing quietly a number of times – surprising himself as well as Hakyeon, who squeezed his thigh happily and casting warm gazes every time he did.

The descriptions given were pretty accurate. Jaehwan was pretty funny, in a way that made you question his mentality. As Sanghyuk was seated between him and Hongbin he seemed to be switching between giving his boyfriend attention and conspiring with the friend beside him. They did look like trouble when they were whispering things to each other and laughing alone as the three others looked at them in suspicion. Wonshik didn’t say much, but apparently found his friends incredibly hilarious as he laughed at almost everything that was said. And in a very amusing way as well, his whole body in on the action. And finally; Hakyeon was all smiles, looking happier than ever.

“OK, I’ve had enough of this. We need to move out of this pub before we get suffocated.” Jaehwan stated a while later. The pub had slowly become more and more stuffed with college students, becoming so full that it could hardly be legal. They all quickly finished their glasses and gathered their stuff to leave, both mugs now empty.

The relief Taekwoon felt as they stepped outside was indescribable. He stretched out his arms and breathed in the late night air in bliss, finally feeling like he could move without hitting or pushing someone. Hakyeon hugged him tightly from behind, making him stumble a little. “Thank you for coming.” He said quietly. Taekwoon tapped his arm in answer, eyes closed as the continued to take deep breaths of air.

\--

“So, what do you do for a living Taekwoon?” Wonshik asked him as they sat on the subway. They had agreed on going back to their part of the city, all of them living in the area of their company, and finding a quiet pub where they could talk comfortably. He looked at Hakyeon before answering, who looked back at him reassuringly, their hands holding. He had realized about himself, when they left the pub, that he became more touchy-feely after drinking.

“I play soccer.” He answered quietly. Wonshik’s raised his eyebrows in interest. “Really? Like, full time?” Jaehwan chimed in. He nodded. “That’s pretty cool” Sanghyuk said. Hakyeon squeezed his hand, nodding in agreement. “No wonder you’re so fit.” Hongbin said smugly. He had been sitting leaned backwards in his seat studying Taekwoon for a while. Taekwoon shuffled in his seat a little, feeling a little on display as the other nodded in agreement.

“What position do you play?” Wonshik asked.

“He’s the team captain.” Hakyeon answered proudly, making Wonshik chuckle a little. Taekwoon kept his face blank. Hakyeon really knew nothing about soccer. “I’m left middlefield.” He added as Hakyeon blushed, realizing his small mistake. Taekwoon gave his hand a squeeze.

“You guys are acting too cute.” Hongbin groaned and closed his eyes.

“You just miss your girlfriend.” Hakyeon snaps back playfully. Hongbin frowned but kept his eyes closed. “A guy’s night out is unfair when you have gay friends.” He muttered bitterly.

\--

“What do you think?” Hakyeon asked as they walked into his apartment four hours later. The evening had moved on to a quiet pub not far from Hakyeon’s apartment. By the time they got there they all had sobered up quite a lot, and never really drank enough to become any more than tipsy after that. Hakyeon had wobbled a little up the stairs to his apartment, needing a little help from Taekwoon to keep his balance at times. “Your friends are nice.” He smiled. He meant it, it had been fun. He felt good. Relaxed. Hakyeon smiled warmly back at him.

He watched as Hakyeon pulled off his shoes, waiting for him to finish. When he straightened up, Taekwoon seized him by the collar and moved him to lean against the wall in the hallway. Hakyeon gasped, surprised by the sudden action. Taekwoon crowded him, hands on either side of his body so he couldn’t escape, and kissed him hard. A small moan escaped him and his hand moved to grab Taekwoon’s t-shirt tightly. He always seemed to need something to hold on to when Taekwoon did anything to him. The kiss didn’t break until Hakyeon was almost painfully out of breath, making him disoriented.

As soon as their lips parted Taekwoon once again grabbed Hakyeon’s shirt and dragged him further into the apartment, the other desperately holding his wrist to keep balance. All night they both had been very touchy, thigh squeezing, hand holding, long stares, hugs, small kisses – to Taekwoon it was like the slowest foreplay of his life. Hakyeon’s tight pants had not been helping either.

He sat Hakyeon down on the sofa and stopped, standing over him and thinking of what he wanted to do. The other slowly came to his senses, looking up at him worriedly. He looked as if he wanted to say something, but stopped. He wasn’t too into the thought of rough sex tonight; Taekwoon could see it in his eyes, tender and worried. He waited a little longer, closing his eyes and breathing a little, calming down.

Finally, he leaned down and kissed him softly, gently laying him down and straddling him, hand sneaking up behind his head to gently clutch his hair. He felt Hakyeon relaxing, giving in to the kiss and clutching the sides of his t-shirt. A satisfied sound rewarded him as he slowly moved from kissing the mouth to kiss along the jaw and stopping to suck just below his ear.

Hakyeon’s hands found their way under his t-shirt and to his back, stroking him slowly. It felt good, and he found himself humming happily as he kissed the other’s neck. With both of his hand busy keeping himself above the other, he wasn’t able to open his shirt. The short pause it caused made him realize something. He sat back up and huffed. Hakyeon looked up at him, puzzled and clearly very tired – eyes lazily looking up, blinking slowly. “What?” He asked softly.

Taekwoon frowned. Somehow everything that had slowly built up until he came home just faded away like nothing. He just felt warm and tired, not horny or frustrated as he had when they walked in the door. This had never happened before; usually he was always on the edge, needing some kind of release. He was never truly relaxed until after sex or a good workout. Hakyeon shuffled to sit up straight, his hand reaching out for Taekwoon’s, who has just hanging by his side.

“What is it?” He tried again. Taekwoon looked at his worried face, still frowning. He didn’t understand. He just wanted to hug him. Just lie there and fall asleep in his arms.

“I think I need to go home.” He said after a long pause, moving off Hakyeon and making his way to the door, avoiding his gaze.

“What? Why?” He sounded so worried. He felt his chest sting and a knot in his stomach forming. Panicking at all the emotions, he quickly grabbed his shoes in his hand and threw up the door.

“I’ll call you tomorrow!” He declared and shut the door.


	5. Why We Run

Taekwoon’s eyes shot open. He felt his heart beating fast, his dream haunting him and making his stomach turn. Quickly he looked over to his side and let go of his breath when he saw Hakyeon sleeping soundly beside him, looking very peaceful facing his way.

He rose from the bed, carefully to not wake the other. He had let go too easily the night before, clung on to Hakyeon too desperately when coming down from his orgasm. The wave of emotion he felt had been so intense, it was addicting. He wanted to stop, but he couldn’t. He still felt it; his wall breaking, crumbling around him. He had to run. He had to get his mind away.

He climbed down the ladder and walked into the kitchen to prepare the rice. He was already looking forward to coming back and eating breakfast with Hakyeon. He smiled at the thought. Stop that. He needed to hurry and get out.

Running was the only thing that could clear his mind. He would run until his lungs burned and his mind would go completely blank. It made him feel stable, safe, free from emotion. It rebuilt his wall, but he had to do it every day to keep it solid. Hakyeon made him weaker, but it was so addicting. Those feelings he had when they were intimate, when he let his guard down and just let go, weren’t all bad. There were good feelings. But once he let go and fell asleep; the bad ones would follow. So he had to run.

Once the rice cooker was turned on, he grabbed his bag of workout clothes and running shoes to change in the bathroom. He studied himself in the mirror, he was becoming skinny. Too skinny, his coach would tell him. He needed strong players who could endure an entire game. His stamina wasn’t lacking, but he could feel his strength fading. His body was having a hard time keeping up with him. I need to eat more.

But he didn’t feel like eating when he was alone.

He could feel his mind and body relaxing instantly once he was outside and breathing the crisp morning air. It was slightly chilly so early in the morning, and few people wandered the area. Hakyeon lived in an aged neighborhood, but close to a community track field; the perfect place for Taekwoon to spend his mornings. He had noticed it the first morning he had run out of the apartment, feeling suffocated by his nightmare. He always brought workout clothes after that, even though he wasn’t supposed to exercise outside of soccer practice. He had never been good at taking orders.

He reached the track and started to warm up with a light jog. He would run around the track for thirty minutes, most days just a comfortable jog just up to the point of making his breath strain, but on the worst days he would run desperately – almost to the point of fainting. Anything to clear the mind. The music in his ears gave him something to focus on, and then he could feel everything slipping. All the stress, anxiety and memories. His wall building slowly, all the feelings pressing him slowly fading.

\--

“Wonshik.” Hakyeon tried to get the other’s attention after they both had spaced out, sipping their beers at their regular pub outside the office. This was where they, only the two of them, spent every Friday night after work. It had started as a celebration after every time they got their salary, but soon became a regular thing to happen every work-week.

“Yeah?” His brows acknowledged the question, but he didn’t look up from the glass he was drinking from, trying to empty it.

“Why do you run?” Wonshik looked up at that, a little confused. Hakyeon avoided his eyes and focused on drinking his last sip of beer. He could feel him growing suspicious as he considered the question.

“… I don’t know? To clear my mind I guess?” He answered hesitatingly. He didn’t run too much, mostly building muscles when he worked out.

“Why?” He asked. Hakyeon shrugged innocently. “Nothing. Just wondering.” Wonshik cocked his brow at that, knowing something’s up, but left him alone and ordered another beer for them both.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This chapter is just a short look into what Taekwoon has to deal with. Even though it does not give you much answers, it's meant to give you a better look at him.


	6. Please

Taekwoon didn’t call the next day. After he left the night before, Hakyeon was left in a state of confusion. One moment they were kissing slowly and having a good time, the next he was running out the door saying he had to go home.

“Ahhhhh, why isn’t he calling…” Hakyeon tried to will his phone to call as the hours were closing in on midnight. He was considering messaging Wonshik and making him come over to discuss the matter, but he was afraid the other would suddenly show up late at night instead of calling. Or; he was hoping. In the end decided to send him a text.

_Wonshik are you awake_

A minute passed before the message was seen by the other.

_Yeah. What’s up?_

_Taekwoon ran home in the middle of foreplay yesterday. He said he’d call today but he hasn’t called yet._

He looked longingly at the door, hoping that somehow the other would simply walk in as if nothing happened. Wonshik answered after a longer pause.

_Did he say why?_

_Nope. One minute we were kissing on the sofa, and the next he was saying he_ _needed to go home._

_That’s pretty strange…_

Hakyeon could almost imagine the look on his face; a mix of worry and anger. Despite being younger, Wonshik often felt like an older brother.

_Should I call him?_

Wonshik waited a while before answering.

_Pop him a message asking if he’s okay and go to sleep. I’m sure it’s fine. See you at work on monday._

_Yeah, see you. Thanks._

It seemed like the reasonable thing to do. He hadn’t sent any messages all day, and since he hadn’t called when he said he would – sending a message made sense.

         _Hey, are you okay?_

He waited a minute to see if the other saw the message right away, but was left disappointed. He left his phone on the sofa and went to the bathroom to wash up.

The next morning he woke up unusually early, and shot up straight right away to check his phone. The message was still not read, making him worry more. He didn’t even know where he lived so he could check on him.

“Ahh, this is the worst!” He growls, pulling his hair frustratingly. He wasn’t the patient kind and this was really testing him.

\--

He found himself unable to focus at work, constantly checking the unread message during every break and generally thinking out different scenarios of what could’ve happened. His trainees were growing very annoyed with him, as he kept showing the wrong steps in the choreography and spacing out when he was supposed to watch and give feedback. In the end he let them go practice on their own and walked towards the studios in the building to find Wonshik.

“I’m seriously going crazy, Wonshik, this is really testing my patience.” He said as he basically threw himself into the chair beside the composer who was seated at the computer in his little studio. He looked at Hakyeon with a blank face, annoyance at being disturbed well hidden.

“I see he hasn’t answered.” He said. Hakyeon nodded miserably, showing the message and the message-not-read number behind it.

“I guess we scared him away after all.” He said as he turned back to the computer.

“No, he was having a really good time actually.” Hakyeon sighed. “Maybe he noticed something he didn’t like?” He asked tenderly. It was making him feel insecure, the way he had left. Taekwoon usually made him feel really confident, to the point of him acting uncharacteristically dominating, but it seemed it didn’t take much to pop the bubble.

Wonshik turned back to him and kicked him in the leg, not very hard but hard enough for it to hurt. “Ya, don’t say that.” He said strictly. Hakyeon rubbed his leg, pouting. “If so; he’s nothing to waste your time on.” He declared. Hakyeon smiled thankfully.

\--

Taekwoon was lying on his bed, staring at the white roof of his tiny dorm room. He had told his teammates he wasn’t feeling well and skipped practice. When he joined his soccer team he had moved into a dorm with a couple of his teammates, in order to save enough money to live off of the sport. His team wasn’t a very successful one yet, but they were up and coming so he earned enough to live and save a little for a future apartment for himself. He didn’t want to bring Hakyeon there, his team not aware of his preference for men. The subject was a little touchy in an environment of men only.

He had barely slept all weekend, haunted by his nightmares, and he was too exhausted to go for a run. Plus; he couldn’t get caught running when he was supposed to be sick.

His phone was lying beside his bed, blinking because of the message from Hakyeon he had received two nights earlier. He hadn’t touched his phone after that, afraid he would think he’d seen the message and then not answering. He didn’t know what to say. “Sorry, but I felt really good and got scared so I had to run” sounded too stupid, despite being true. He had felt something he hadn’t felt for a very long time, and it scared the shit out of him. While good feelings were great, they also made way for everything else; the nightmares, angst, depression – everything he had so successfully buried in his several years as a single man. It was all crashing down now.

He looked at his phone, the knot in his stomach from when he left Hakyeon’s apartment still there. The day he was supposed to call he had spent all day avoiding his phone and everything else by throwing himself through a vigorous training-program and then falling asleep from exhaustion, only to wake up every hour or two in panic all night. His wall had crumbled completely that night with Hakyeon, and he needed time to rebuild it before seeing him again. But if he wanted to see him again, he needed to answer that text. He groaned, turning onto his stomach and burying his face in the pillow.

How was he supposed to explain this without making him misunderstand, and without having to tell him the whole story? There was too much to explain, and he wasn’t even completely sure what was wrong himself. For years he had been unable to feel anything unless he had sex, but now he was starting to feel more and more. In addition; the constant feeling of needing to have sex in order to feel good was fading. The night with Hakyeon it had completely gone away for the first time since he lost his virginity.

It was scary, and he didn’t know how to explain. _I should probably see a therapist._

His phone vibrated. He looked at it, the clock showing it was almost midnight. He had ignored Hakyeon for more than two days now. The knot was making it hard to breathe, so he reached for the phone. The new message was also from Hakyeon:

_Taekwoon, please_

He clutched at his stomach, heart beating painfully. He felt so bad. So horrible. It was like the knot was trying to eat him up. He tried to type an answer, but deleted it almost right away. After the third try he pressed send.

_Sorry_

He felt like it was all he could say right now. Hakyeon saw the message right away, most likely sitting with the phone in his hand. He answered almost instantly.

_Please tell me what’s going on_

_Did I do something wrong?_

His stomach turned. Of course he was going around all day blaming himself, that fool. He answers quickly.

_No_

He tries to think what more to write, not wanting for it to lead to even more questions. Hakyeon was apparently waiting, not sending any more messages. He tapped his thumbs on the phone on random characters, not sure what to write. Not sure what he wanted Hakyeon to know.

_I got scared_

There. He said it. Truth. He waited nervously. He could almost imagine the tenderness in Hakyeon’s eyes. That man had so much love in him, he could fill a stadium. It was overwhelming, but at the same time nice.

_Are we moving too fast?_

Maybe. He thought about it a little, note sure if that was the problem. It could be, he _had_ panicked because of his own feelings. What he needed was time. To rebuild. To gather himself. He couldn’t go see Hakyeon like this; it would end in a breakdown, he was sure of it.

_I need some time._

He decided it was for the best. He was sure Hakyeon would understand. He would be hurt, but he would understand.


	7. Blank

Hakyeon was sure he had never been as depressed over a longer amount of time as he was now. It had been two weeks since Taekwoon announced their break, no real excuse given for it. He had spent the time worrying, deciphering their time together and blaming himself, and Taekwoon. He had passed the stage of anger few days earlier, realizing there was no real point in being angry at him. _Something_ had triggered the reaction, and he would tell him in his own time. Because he was confident he would return, despite Wonshik’s efforts in preparing him for the opposite.

He felt numb all day, his feeling worn out. He had become a lot more attached to Taekwoon than he had planned to, but then again; he was the kind to go all out too early. Taekwoon had stirred something in him ever since their first morning together, and it wouldn’t fade away easily. He felt protected, and he wanted to protect.

Coming back to his senses after spacing out, he realizes his bus has arrived at the stop. He had ended up leaving home from work early, this Monday particularly hard to bear. He was of no use in this state, he figured. He was usually very good at concealing his mood, not wanting to worry those around him, but too many people at work knew him too well. They saw right through his façade.

Ten minutes later the bus arrived at his neighborhood and he entered his building to start the dreaded climb to his floor. The stairs were extra steep these days, he found. “Ahh, seriously, you’re so depressing.” He told himself, hitting himself in the head angrily. He wanted to get himself together, wanted to stop acting like this and just wait patiently for the other to return to him. But patience wasn’t his thing.

Halfway up stair his phone vibrated in his pocket and he stopped to read the message. It was from Wonshik.

_I told Mr. Park that you’re staying home tomorrow. Get some sleep and regain some energy, old man._

Mr. Park was their boss; a very nice, aging man. Hakyeon smiled at his phone screen – Wonshik was always looking after him. _Such a good dongsaeng._ The ‘old man’ comment cheered him up a little, and his steps became lighter as he continued. Yes; tomorrow he would take a personal day and regain his spirits, for sure.

He arrived at his door and punched the code. As he entered his apartment he noticed something was off; there were shoes there – and they were not his. He gasped and looked into the apartment and his sofa. And there he was, seated on his sofa, leaned far back, head hanging forward and hands resting on his lap. _Is he asleep?_

He rushed off his shoes, throwing his bag to a corner and tapped in with a speed-walk, before coming to a stop in front of Taekwoon. Not really knowing what to do, he paced a little back and forth between his kitchen island and sofa. He was unsure if he should be careful of him, not really knowing what had kept him away for so long. _What should I do?_

He gnawed at his lip a little, before finally deciding to kneel in front of the other and wake him as carefully as possible. He nudged his knee with his hand and a start rocked through him as he woke up. Dead eyes pierced his own, bleak and unfeeling. He shrunk back a little, his hand falling from the other’s knee.

Taekwoon straightened up and looked around, possibly a little disoriented, before looking back at Hakyeon again. His face was often blank, but Hakyeon had never seen his face in this state before. It was as if he had wiped himself from expression. There was nothing, not even in the eyes. Usually he could always tell from the eyes. He felt his heart beating hard, a nervous knot forming in his stomach. _Something’s not right._

He couldn’t drive himself to speak, just looking the other over, trying to find something to be used as an explanation. He looked skinnier, somewhat. Taekwoon just looked at him, seemingly waiting for him to speak. When he didn’t; he sucked a breath and spoke himself.

“Hey Hakyeon.” Even his voice was flat. Hakyeon frowned deeply, searching his eyes for anything, but not finding anything. The took a deep, shaky breath and realized he was tearing up a little. It was a little overwhelming; feeling happy for seeing him there, scared and worried after seeing him up close. “Hey.” He answered back, quietly, not trusting his voice. Taekwoon closed his eyes again.

He looked so tired. His eyes had been drooping, blinking heavily, his body was even swaying a little. He hadn’t taken off his coat, despite the apartment being warm. Hakyeon nudged closer again, putting both hands on either knee and squeezed a little. “Are you okay?” He asks, carefully. Taekwoon makes a face, not opening his eyes. Slowly, he turns his head from side to side – indicating that no, he was not.

It had taken all of Hakyeon’s strength to make an unwilling Taekwoon climb the ladder to his second floor and lie down in his bed, but once he lied down on his bed his hand clutched his wrist and refused to let go and tried to drag Hakyeon down with him. Hakyeon gave in easily and sat down beside him and moved the other so his head was resting in his lap. It only took him a few minutes to fall asleep in his lap, Hakyeon’s hand gently caressing his hair and just sitting quietly, frowning worriedly.

\--

He waited an hour before he nudged away to grab something to eat. As he had left work early, it wasn’t even late enough to go to bed; only 6 pm. His stomach rumbled angrily as he studied the contents of his fridge. His phone had been left on the kitchen island and was blinking to get his attention, signaling a message was waiting for him. He glanced at it once, before ignoring it in favor of the left-over pizza tempting him in the fridge. He grabbed it and closed the door carefully, not wanting to wake up the man above.

The lack of clues was eating at him. He needed some information to explain all this, in order for him to be able to help the other recover from whatever it was that had bothered him. He had no idea of what to do in this situation, feeling completely lost. His pizza, which had smelled really good, tasted like paper in his mouth. He stopped eating after half a piece, throwing the rest in the trash and grabbing his phone to check the message.

         _I heard you left early. U ok?_

Jaewhan. The only person he knew who worried and got stressed more than himself, was him. It was the general reason for not telling him too much of his worries, as it would only make him worry about it more than he needed to. He quickly typed and answer saying he was fine and just needed to catch up on sleep, and set down the phone on the coffee table. He threw himself backwards onto the sofa, leaning back and closing his eyes. There was simply too much on his mind at the moment.

He thought back on what Wonshik had told him about running to clear the mind, and considered going outside to run a few laps on the track field outside, but changed his mind. He didn’t want to leave Taekwoon alone. He released a long, heavy sigh and stared at the roof, focusing on a spot in the woodwork as his mind drifted.

He was brought back to reality as he heard something rustle from above. He quickly sat up to listen. “mmn” was all he heard, but it was enough for him to climb up the ladder to look. As he climbed, Taekwoon’s dead eyes were staring into his again, their eyes on the same level as the other was laid on his side, facing the ladder. He stopped climbing, not breaking eye contact until Taekwoon’s flickered downwards. “Don’t go.” He said, making Hakyeon’s body weak in an instant. He climbed the rest of the ladder and lay down beside Taekwoon, faces on level with each other. The other released a soft sigh and closed his eyes.

“Taekwoon” He broke the silence between them, checking if he was awake.

“mm?”

“What is this?” He asked softly, trying not to sound too demanding. Watching his face closely; he could see Taekwoon’s jaw clenching.

“I don’t know.” He mumbled back after some time. His body was tense, Hakyeon could see it. Somehow he seemed to be worried about his answer. Or reaction. _Or is he afraid I’ll make him leave?_

One of Taekwoon’s hands sneaked up and clutched at Hakyeon’s shirt weakly, simply holding him as if it would keep him in place. “Don’t go.” He repeated. Hakyeon sighed. “I won’t.”


	8. Feel

Hakyeon could not remember the last time he had slept for so long. He had fallen asleep watching Taekwoon, mind racing to all kinds of conclusions, before eventually falling asleep a lot earlier than he had in years. In addition to that he had slept until noon.

When he woke up, Taekwoon wasn’t in bed. It didn’t worry Hakyeon too much, as that was usual on a normal morning between them. He was either on his run, or at practice. Despite them being together for a while now, Hakyeon had no control of the soccer player’s training schedule. He got up from bed groaning a little, body feeling extremely heavy after sleeping so long. “Jeez, it’s like I’ve been in a coma…” It felt a lot like that, everything feeling stiff and unmoving, his entire body covered in marks from the sheets.

He somehow managed to climb down the ladder to the main floor and carry his own body to the kitchen. He saw the rice cooker was on, blinking that it was finished. Even that hadn’t been able to wake him up. _I must have been sleeping really heavily,_ he thought as he opened the fridge to see if he had any food he could consume. There were eggs, banana milk, some kimchi, green onions and something that couldn’t be recognized anymore. He stared at the food for a while, trying to make his brain figure out what exactly he could do with it. “Green onion pancakes?” He processed. A small victory.

Placing the ingredients on the counter, he wondered if he was making food for two people. He didn’t really know _where_ Taekwoon had gone that morning, or if he was coming back anytime soon. He peeked into the hallway, knowing that if he went jogging he would do so in another pair he kept in the gym bag he always carried with him. Indeed; his shoes were still there. Hakyeon smiled, relieved as he started making the pancakes while whistling a cheery melody. A day off had definitely been a good idea.

It was only a few minutes later he could hear the sound of his apartment door opening and someone stepping in, panting heavily. He looked up in the direction Taekwoon would appear from the hallway when entering and called cheerfully; “Hey Taekwoon! Breakfast will be done when you’re done sho-“

He cut off at the sight of Taekwoon walking in, a little wobbly and hand clutching his chest and breathing very heavily. It looked like he was having a hard time breathing as he threw himself backwards on the sofa and closed his eyes with a painful look on his face.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” Hakyeon rushed over to him, putting his hand on Taekwoon’s who was still clutching at his chest. He was dripping wet, soaked through the clothes and even the hair. Hakyeon casted a look to the window, but the weather was sunny.

“What have you been doing?” He asked, the worry obvious in his voice. He usually didn’t look this tired after running. Taekwoon didn’t answer, but his breathing started evening out and the pained expression faded. Hakyeon waited for him to calm down, one hand still resting on Taekwoon’s and the other drying away the sweat on his face with his sweater sleeve. It took several minutes for the breathing to become normal, and only then did Taekwoon open his eyes and stare at the roof. He looked worried? Angry? Annoyed? Hakyeon couldn’t decide. He pulled away his hand from his face and tried to obtain eye contact, without any luck.

“Taekwoon, what happened?” He asked softly. Taekwoon’s eyes flickered onto his for a brief moment, but he quickly looked back to the roof of the apartment. Then he sighed heavily, like he was frustrated.

“I wanted to clear my mind, so I ran.” Taekwoon started. “But today it just didn’t work. I tried to run harder and longer, but-“ He cut himself off, closing his eyes in annoyance and hitting the couch with his free hand. The sound made Hakyeon jump in surprise. Finally it came back to him; how Taekwoon had been the night before, how he had looked so… empty. He frowned as he simply waited by the other’s side. He had so many questions, but this wasn’t the right time to ask.

Taekwoon lay there for a couple of more minutes, Hakyeon beside him, before he lifted himself up in a sitting position, mumbling that he needed to shower and left Hakyeon alone on the floor by the sofa. Hakyeon sighed, feeling left out, before he returned to the kitchen and his pancakes.

\--

When Taekwoon returned from the shower he looked a little better, but the strange sense of emptiness from the day before was still there. They ate the pancakes in silence, Taekwoon eating unusually slowly and Hakyeon feeling a little uncomfortable with all his questions pressing to come out. He settled with trying something easy: “Do you have practice today?” He asked without looking away from his food. Maybe they could hang out and talk all day?

Taekwoon shook his head. “My coach forced me to take a break.” He said, showing no reaction to it. Hakyeon looked at him interest. “Is that why you’re so bummed?” He tried. Taekwoon shook his head again.

This was the point where Hakyeon had had just about enough. He put down his metal chopsticks, the sound of impact a little louder than he had intended, and turned his barstool and body towards Taekwoon. “Then why? Why are you being like this?” He could hear the frustration in his own voice. Taekwoon’s expression remained unchanged as he continued to nibble on the piece of pancake he was holding. Hakyeon waited, refusing to budge. He wanted answers. Something. Anything would do.

“Aren’t you going to answer me?” He leaned over so his face was in Taekwoon’s line of sight in front of him. Taekwoon’s eyes met his and they looked so impassive it made him shiver. He frowned but didn’t look away as their eye contact lasted for almost a minute, before Taekwoon looked away and put down his chopsticks as well. Hakyeon straightened up on his stool and Taekwoon turned his own to face him. He lifted his arms up to Hakyeon’s face and cupped it with cold hands. Hakyeon kept completely still, eyes widened, as Taekwoon leaned forward and gave him a soft kiss.

Hakyeon accepted the kiss, perfectly aware that the other was simply trying to shut him up. _You’re not getting away this easily,_ he thought and took control of the kiss, turning it into a make-out. The other followed, opening his mouth to let Hakyeon add some tongue. Hakyeon grabbed the front of Taekwoon’s shirt with both hands and dragged him with him to the sofa, breaking the kiss with a gasp of air and pushed him down to sit. He hovered over him, standing, and something stirred deep within Taekwoon’s eyes as he looked up at Hakyeon, panting slightly and giving his lips a lick. He climbed on top of him, knees resting on either side of the other’s thighs and kept his upper body raised above to stare him down. He was feeling frustrated, irritated and angered as he looked at him hard, trying to express how he felt. Taekwoon only stared back, as if he was challenging him.

 _Challenge accepted_ , Hakyeon thought to himself and reached down to the end of Taekwoon’s shirt and lifted it over his head, and then he kissed him hard. That earned him a moan from the other, and Hakyeon bit down on his lip to make him stop, but he didn’t. Hands found their way to Hakyeon’s thighs and squeezed, making Hakyeon break the kiss moan as well. He was panting as well now, watching the other watch him, catching the increasing glint in Taekwoon’s eyes. Wanting to stay in control, he sneaked one hand up to Taekwoon’s hair and pulled it so his head was forced backwards and the other reaching down to stroke the growing bulge in his black jeans. Taekwoon moaned again, not losing eye contact, and chuckled. That surprised Hakyeon, making him pause. “You think it’s funny?”

Taekwoon’s lips tucked on the sides, making a twisted-looking smile. “Don’t stop.” He said, his hand grabbing Hakyeon’s and making it stroke his bulge again. Another moan left his lips as he closed his eyes and leaned into the hand holding the hair in the back of his head. Hakyeon was a little confused, but decided to see where this would take him. _Something_ was showing in Taekwoon’s eyes, and he wanted to see if he could bring out something more.

He released his hand from Taekwoon’s hold and started working on his jeans. With the help of Taekwoon’s hand he was able to open the button and fly with one hand, and he stepped off the sofa to pull off the tight jeans as well as his own, boxers going with them. Hakyeon was still soft, but Taekwoon was almost fully hard; now completely exposed on the sofa with arms hanging on either side and head leaned back. It became clear to Hakyeon just _how_ much skinnier he was, a twinge of worry stinging in his gut.

Taekwoon’s head lifted from the sofa’s back and he looked at Hakyeon, trying to will him to come back. He didn’t even seem to care about the worry that had appeared on his face at the sight of his skinny self. “Hakyeon” he moaned, stirring up the growing desire in the other’s abdomen. He moved back onto Taekwoon’s lap, their growing erections touching, both of them letting out something between a moan and a groan. Taekwoon’s head fell back onto the sofa’s back and his hands back to Hakyeon’s thighs as he started grinding them together slowly. Hakyeon lifted his own shirt over his head without stopping the rhythm he had started, feeling the pleasure slowly spreading throughout his body. Taekwoon’s hands were guiding him gently, sometimes squeezing a little harder and moaning louder. Hakyeon put his own hands on Taekwoon’s chest to steady himself, leaning on him to keep his balance. Their breathing increased, both of them closing their eyes.

Hakyeon needed more, and reached down to finger himself, having a hard time keeping the rhythm as he did. Taekwoon looked back up at the change and Hakyeon could finally see how his eyes now had awakened. The look in his eyes was incredibly tender, like he had switched his personality, completely different from the man who had smiled at him minutes earlier. It was the same look he had seen when they had sex the first time they met. A flush of tenderness washed over Hakyeon. He stopped moving completely to study the eyes, not wanting to miss a millisecond of it, and felt Taekwoon move his own hand from his thigh and up to his ass instead. Hakyeon slipped out a pleading moan at the light touch, and the tenderness in Taekwoon’s eyes. He had missed it so much.

He had to put his hand back on Taekwoon’s chest and steady himself anew as Taekwoon started to prepare him, one finger at first and then another; scissoring. Hakyeon was moaning shamelessly now, not able to sit still any longer – moving their erections together and rocking back and forth towards the fingers at the same time. He wasn’t even able to keep his eyes open, all of the frustration, stress and anger he had gathered while Taekwoon had been gone building up within him, making him feel like he was going to blow once he reached his release.

“M-more..” He panted as Taekwoon was still only using two fingers to prepare him. The other groaned at the words and added another finger with effort, the angle making it difficult. With a frustrated grunt, he pulled his fingers out completely and moved Hakyeon to the carpet on the floor in front of the sofa, carefully.

“Lube?” He asked, eyes intense, full of intent, desire, but somehow still managing to be tender. Hakyeon motioned his head towards his desk drawer in the corner of the little living room, behind the sofa. Taekwoon was gone and back again in a flash, coating his erection generously. Hakyeon moaned at the sight, his own erection twitching, his legs spreading automatically to give room. Taekwoon’s eyes looked more alive than ever at the sight.

Taekwoon coated two fingers and put them back into Hakyeon, scissoring as widely as he could while slicking up the entrance. One of his fingers brushed a certain bundle of nerves as he did so, making Hakyeon shout and throw his head back in pleasure. “Taekwoon, just-“ He managed to say through gritted teeth, look at him desperately. He was going to burst into pieces soon, he could feel it.

Taekwoon’s erection slowly entered him soon after, Hakyeon’s hands reaching to grab hold of anything in his path; one clutching the carpet and the other the leg of his coffeetable. He was making desperate, panting noises as he felt his walls stretch and contract around the intrusion, a pained pleasure. Above him Taekwoon was making similar noises, trying not to slam into Hakyeon right away as he moved until he was all the way in. Then he paused, panting heavily, sweat covering his forehead, eyes looking into Hakyeon’s. Finally; the eyes were full of emotion. Hakyeon shivered at the sight, his blood boiling with desire. There was a hint of tears at the corner of Taekwoon’s eyes, and he sounded so desperate when he panted; like he was going to burst as well.

Hakyeon stayed still to adjust to the size, then nodded to Taekwoon to continue. Both of them had to close their eyes as he moved with a grunt, and he was unable to keep himself above Hakyeon with straight arms any longer; moving to lean on his elbows instead. Hakyeon used the opportunity to steal a kiss, one hand cupping the other’s face to guide him towards his lips. They moaned into each other’s mouths blindly, leaving chaste kisses as Taekwoon increased his pace. Hakyeon’s back was starting to burn from the friction on the carpet, but he was too far gone to care.

Taekwoon’s moans turned into desperate whimpers, each thrust louder than the previous. Hakyeon held on to him with both hands, keeping him close, meeting the thrusts with his own. His neglected erection was leaking, slightly bouncing on his stomach as they moved faster and faster. As Hakyeon approached his release, he moved his hand from the other’s back and grabbed his own erection, giving it one pump and squeeze before everything went white. His entire body tensed greatly, back arching upwards, the hand still on the other’s back scratching, the hand on his dick stilling as the release burst out of him and Taekwoon almost growling as Hakyeon’s walls clamped around him. He stuttered a few more thrusts before he reached his release in a silent gasp, his whole body contracting above Hakyeon.

Taekwoon panted as he came down from the high, and then moved his weight to his knees and putting his arms around Hakyeon, lifting him up as well. He was still inside, so Hakyeon whimpered in pain at the movement, very sensitive. He slowly slipped out with another moan, and then he hugged Hakyeon _hard._ Hakyeon could barely breathe as the other held him upright and very tightly, burying his face in the crook of Hakyeon’s long neck.

They stayed like that for a very long time, Taekwoon’s desperate hold on Hakyeon relaxing a little as time passed, but his face was still hiding in Hakyeon’s neck and he was still panting slightly.

Hakyeon’s mind had cleared and was now racing with questions. What exactly happened just now? Was Taekwoon suddenly back to normal?

He tried to move so he could look at Taekwoon’s face, but the man whined in protest and held him tighter. “Taekwoon-“ He said with effort. “We need to move.” He grunted as he forcefully pulled out of the embrace and grabbed hold of the other’s face to have a look at him. His eyes were closed tightly.

“Hey, look at me.” He pleaded, but there was no reaction. “Please.”

Taekwoon opened his eyes slowly and a single tear streaked down from each of them. Hakyeon sucked a breath of air and moved his thumbs to catch them. Taekwoon wasn’t looking directly at him, rather keeping his look downwards. They sat still in silence, Hakyeon caressing his cheek with his thumbs. “Are you okay?” Hakyeon asked so softly it was barely audible. Taekwoon took a deep breath, closed his eyes and moved out of Hakyeon’s grasp, standing up. “I’m fine.” He answered and reached out an arm for Hakyeon to grab and helped him up as well. Hakyeon accepted it, not convinced.

Hakyeon decided to let it go for now. They gathered their scattered clothes and washed off in the bathroom. Taekwoon was back in the blank state he had been in the night before, walking around dragging his feet and arms just limply hanging by his side. He moved back to the living room as soon as he was dressed, and lied down on the sofa to take a nap. All Hakyeon could do was watch him move around, not much less worried than he had been before. There was at least _some_ change, as he had been able to awaken something. He had been able to get a reaction, and Taekwoon had let go completely for one moment – only to shrink back into his shell the next.

\--

He didn’t leave Hakyeon’s apartment very often after that day, only for his morning runs. He slowly started responding more and acting more normally after a while staying in the apartment, their silent moment turning more comfortable. After two weeks of Hakyeon making sure he ate and slept well, Taekwoon returned to his soccer team. The taller man admitted that he didn’t like eating alone, and had therefore neglected his meals and become too skinny for his coach to allow him to play.

Hakyeon started to see more and more signs of the other not wanting to be alone, even though he wasn’t big on interacting with the people around him – he seemed to rather enjoy _watching_ them have fun instead. Deciding to be supportive; Hakyeon stayed by his side silently, watching him improve a tiny bit day-by-day.

Going to soccer practice improved him greatly, the social interaction with his teammates seemingly giving him something he didn’t know he was missing. Hakyeon’s worried feeling slowly faded as Taekwoon started to act more and more normal, even to the point of his sexual appetite being increased compared to when they first met. On some days he seemed to be completely unable to stay away from him; pulling him into his embrace and sucking marks on his neck, whispering promises into his ear, making him either giggle happily or moan in desire. Still, deep inside he knew Taekwoon was continuously distracting him.


	9. Mango

The timing of Hakyeon’s business trip to Japan could not be any worse. He had noticed Taekwoon becoming more and more clingy, and he was hoping for that to be a step closer to the quiet man telling him what turned him into… whatever he was. Taekwoon was still desperately distracting him with sexual attention, avoiding conversation and mostly staying over to fuck, sleep, eat breakfast and leave for soccer. At first Hakyeon didn’t exactly mind, but it was becoming unnerving not knowing the cause of everything. Plus he could feel himself falling into a pattern. He could feel himself accepting the situation, basically giving up, despite not being okay with it. He just wanted Taekwoon to stay.

“Taekwoon.” He started as they ate a simple toast for breakfast, that he had prepared the morning before he would leave for Japan. They had been sitting in a comfortable silence as usual, staring at their food, shoulders so close they could feel each other’s warmth. The other nodded his head, murmuring a “Mm?” for him to continue.

“I’m going to Osaka for a business trip tomorrow.” That had caught the other’s attention a little, as he stopped chewing and glanced over at him, dark eyes searching Hakyeon’s. There was more life in them now, like a small twinkle. Hakyeon just looked back at him as he continued. “I’ll be gone for a week, but feel free to use my apartment.” He was speaking softly, carefully. It was almost like a mother telling her overly attached son that she was going to be gone for a few days and he was going to have to be home alone.

Taekwoon looked at him for a long time, something stirring in his eyes that Hakyeon couldn’t exactly pinpoint. It was much harder to read him than in the beginning, but it was becoming easier each week after he returned from their break. Taekwoon then nodded in understanding and returned to chewing his food. A breath Hakyeon didn’t know he was holding escaped him, and he smiled as he returned to his own food as well. Silence was restored as they ate, until Taekwoon finished his second toast and grabbed his plate to stand up. He stopped mid action, not looking at Hakyeon but rather at his hands holding the plate and coffee mug. “I’ll miss you.” He said so softly it was barely audible. Hakyeon’s stomach fluttered wildly, a blush creeping up his neck as he sat stunned until the other had placed his dishes in the sink and hurriedly left for soccer practice without another word. As the door closed with a click and the lock playing its melody, Hakyeon was finally able to word out “yeah, me too” quietly into the air of his now otherwise empty apartment.

\--

Wonshik stomped up the final stairs of four stories to Hakyeon’s apartment. “Does he even have plants?” He muttered, a little out of breath and the feeling of sweat creeping across his back. He had woken up on his day off to a text from Hakyeon, who was currently in Japan, asking him to go water his plants. Wonshik had never thought Hakyeon was the type to own such things, despite being quite domestic compared to his friends. Even so; with nothing to do he accepted the request and was now in front of his best friend’s door.

He knew the lock’s code by heart, it was quite simple really, and dialed it absentmindedly as he turned off the music on his phone and pulled out his earpieces with his other hand. The melody, indicating the passcode had not been changed the last 5 months since Wonshik had visited last, played merrily and he opened the door and entered the darkness. He pushed off his shoes and padded into the apartment, reaching for the light at the end of the hallway when his eyes got used to the darkness and stopped dead, hand resting on the switch. There was someone on the sofa.

He waited, stunned and a little scared, for the shape to move, but it seemed to be asleep. Realization dawned upon him as he let his hand fall without turning on the light and stepped into the livingroom. “Uhm…Taekwoon?” He tried, speaking with a normal volume to try not to startle the poor man. There was no reaction, and as he stepped closer the smell of liquor became very clear. _So he’s passed out…_ He thought to himself, and reached for his phone. He stepped as far into the hallway he could get and dialed Hakyeon’s number.

“Hello?” Hakyeon answered on the fourth ring, feigning oblivious as if his phone screen wasn’t showing Wonshik’s name when he called.

“I hate you.” He stated, whispering into the phone angrily.

“Wonshik-“ Hakyeon started, but he interrupted him. “You don’t own any plants at all, do you?” An pleading whine sounded on the phone. Hakyeon sucked a breath to speak again, but Wonshik wasn’t finished. “Did you just send me to check if your boyfriend was in your apartment?” He granted Hakyeon some disbelief in his voice as he whispered the question. Silence was his answer.

“When are you going to tell me what’s going on with you two?” He asked then, his hurt apparent. Hakyeon had almost stopped talking to him in general a few weeks ago, and he didn’t look very happy these days either. It was making Wonshik worry. A lot. Hakyeon always told him everything.

A distressed sigh came from the phone, then a short pause. “Is he there?” Hakyeon asked pitifully. Even through the phone Wonshik could imagine the guilt on his face as he avoided his question. He sighed as well, hurt. “Yeah, he’s passed out on your couch. He really stinks.” He muttered, gesturing towards the livingroom and not bothering to whisper anymore. He could hear Hakyeon mumbling something he couldn’t hear, before he answered “Could you check if he’s alright?” Hakyeon asked him really carefully, sounding ready to beg. Wonshik rubbed his forehead in annoyance, but knew he couldn’t refuse. “Only if you promise to tell me everything when you get back.” He compromised. Hakyeon released a very relieved breath and promised that yes, yes he would tell him everything. Wonshik ended the call and put the phone back in his pocket as he padded back into the livingroom, turning on the light on his way.

As soon as the light came on, a start rocked through the body on the sofa and a quiet groan followed. Taekwoon had been lying on his side, facing the back of the sofa, but started to turn around slowly to look around. His eyes caught Wonshik’s skeptical stare as he was standing and the end of the sofa, arms crossed and waiting for the other to come about. Taekwoon stared at him with a lost look on his face for a long time, before turning his body all the way around; only to fall clumsily to the floor. Seemingly not having the energy to move, he just groaned and lay there on the carpet. Wonshik frowned and moved around the body to crouch at Taekwoon’s head. Somehow he felt annoyed with the man.

“What the hell are you doing?” He asked but got no answer, as expected; he had caught on that Taekwoon was a man of very few words. He poked his head, a little harder than necessary, in order to get a reaction. It earned him a grunt and Taekwoon’s eyes opened to give him an annoyed stare. Wonshik stared back, not about to budge. “Hakyeon told me to check if you’re alive.” Taekwoon’s annoyed eyes batted away from him quickly.

Wonshik stood up and walked to the kitchen to make coffee. As the coffeemaker started making surkling sounds and the delicious smell spread around the room, Taekwoon seemed to come to life. Wonshik leaned on the kitchen island watching amusedly as the other seemed to use all his strength to lift himself into a sitting position and hoist himself onto the sofa. Wonshik chuckled softly, earning him a deadly glare from the other.

He groaned loudly, leaning forward to put his head into his hands and rub his head. “What day is it?” He asked, voice a little rough. Wonshik cocked an eyebrow. “It’s Wednesday.”

There was a silent pause, the only sound being the coffeemaker. Wonshik simply watched Taekwoon being in pain. Then he got a little suspicious. “Wait. Have you been drinking all three days Hakyeon has been gone?” He asked. The other didn’t move or speak. Wonshik glared at him, trying to figure out the other - without much luck. _Is he an alcoholic?_

Taekwoon rose from his seat and padded heavily to sit by the kitchen island, Wonshik staring at him as he did. Taekwoon avoided his eyes, keeping his sight on the floor and then the counter. The coffeemaker finished and Wonshik grabbed two mugs from an open shelf above the kitchen sink. He filled them both to the brim and slid the bigger mug, the one with a big, fat Santa on, towards Taekwoon. “Drink.” He commanded, sipping his own carefully as it was very hot.

Taekwoon shot him a look that Wonshik supposed could be interpreted as a thankful one and reached out for the mug with both hands, hands hugging it and pressing it close to his chest and releasing a sigh as he smelled it.

“Have you eaten anything?” Wonshik asked after a few sips of silence, both of them lost in thought. Taekwoon looked up from his mug and shook his head tiredly. Wonshik sighed. He hadn’t signed up for this. He hated cooking. “I guess we can order some Chinese.” He muttered, reaching for his phone is his back pocket as he set down his mug and turned to read the flyers hanging on the fridge. Behind him he could hear Taekwoon hum in agreement, his stomach rumbling angrily at the thought of food.

The food arrived after a while, the two of them sitting and standing on each side of the kitchen island with their mugs in silence, slowly chewing their food. None of them were feeling exactly comfortable in each other’s company, Wonshik not exactly used to the eerie silence that followed Taekwoon. They didn’t even finish before the food cooled down, slowly starting to taste a little disgusting when no longer hot. Wonshik wrinkled his nose at some point, setting down his chopsticks and giving up on his food. He sighed heavily, looking up at the other sitting in front of him, not knowing what to say or do.

“Go home Wonshik, I’m fine.” Taekwoon got up from his seat and left his dishes on the kitchen island. He turned and walked towards the ladder leading to Hakyeon’s bed loft, a passive wave of his hand bidding Wonshik goodbye.

“You don’t seem very fine…” He muttered, not exactly trying to speak loud enough to be heard. Considering the alcohol smell he figured the problem could be solved easily enough. He abandoned his dishes for the other to deal with himself later, and started opening all the cupboards in the kitchen, grabbing whatever alcoholic substance he could find. The jackpot was to be found in the fridge; an amazing total of 6 bottles of strong liquor.

 “How much have you been planning to drink, you stupid idiot?” Wonshik whispered, making sure the man in question couldn’t actually hear him all the way upstairs. He grabbed a plastic bag resting on the counter and put all the bottles inside, trying not to make too much noise in the process. Thankfully the bottles were made of plastic and didn’t make too much sound. He left without saying goodbye, plastic bag in hand, hoping his raid would have some kind of effect on the other’s actions.

\--

Hakyeon arrived home after seven days of hard work, so tired he felt like he would faint. The climb up the stairs to his apartment was extra heavy, even though he had sent his luggage alone in the elevator. He didn’t dare to take it with it, not trusting the day to carry him up the four stories alive in that small, old metal cage. The plane ride had been rough, a lot of turbulence keeping his pulse high for the entire journey, so he was more than ready to sleep for days.

As he arrived at the last set of stairs, he discovered Taekwoon sitting at the top of the stairs, waiting. He felt his heart jump a little, receiving a little burst of energy to walk the last few steps with more speed.

“Hey.” He breathed, a little out of air after the climb. Taekwoon looked up at him, that peculiar twinkle in his eyes staring at Hakyeon deeply. Hakyeon watched him curiously. “Why are you out here?” He asked carefully. Taekwoon lowered his head and slumped his shoulders slightly. “Your apartment feels empty and Wonshik stole the alcohol.” He mumbled, a hint of shame only Hakyeon would be able to detect in his voice. Hakyeon just stared at him, as Wonshik hadn’t called or messaged him after his call from the apartment, leaving Hakyeon incredibly worried and feeling helpless from being so far away. _Good thing he stole the alcohol though._ He thought.

He reached out his arm for Taekwoon to take and helped him stand up, and didn’t let go until they were standing in front of his apartment door, Taekwoon standing behind him with his head still hanging. He punched his passcode and entered, holding the door up for the other to pass him but was instead shoved inside and hit the wall with his back slightly, the blow lessened by arms holding around him.

“Taekwoon..” He gasped in surprise. He didn’t say anything, just held onto him and hid his head behind Hakyeon’s. Hakyeon lifted his arms and hugged back, his hand stroking the other’s back calmly. He breathed in his scent, feeling calm and at home.

“You smell like mango.” He noted, amusedly after hugging for a while, trying to lighten the mood a little. He could feel the response in Taekwoon’s body, his chest vibrating as he answered with a low, quiet voice: “I borrowed your bodywash.” Hakyeon couldn’t help but smile, squeezing around him some more and breathing in deep. His own smell on Taekwoon. It felt good.


	10. Talk

Hakyeon was feeling uncharacteristically nervous. In a desperate moment he had promised Wonshik to tell him about the problems he and Taekwoon have been through and were still dealing with, as well as he knew that this would lead to his own little confession to both his best friend and himself. He had fallen, deep and hard, and didn’t want to admit it out loud.

He sipped his second glass of beer, which he originally had ordered for Wonshik who would arrive any second, but had ended up on attacking on his own. He waited for the waiter to turn his attention towards him so he could order two more and fake that the third glass was actually his first one, if he was lucky with Wonshik’s timing. Wonshik was usually late to anything and everything, always thinking he had all the time in the world to get to any appointment. This was usually not the case and he was therefore known at the company as the one who comes 15 minutes late. This day the habit was working in Hakyeon’s favor, as he finished his second beer, burped a little, and waited patiently for the two ‘first’ beers to arrive at his seat when Wonshik entered the bar.

“Hey, have you ordered yet?” He asked, short of breath, as he undressed his jacket and fixed his hair using the bar’s mirror wall. The weather outside was sour. The air heavy and thick, promising rain later in the evening, the sky gray and depressing and a cold breeze that seemed to sneak its way into any jacket. Hakyeon found it strangely refreshing when he had walked to the bar from the company, his shift done a little earlier than Wonshik’s. The producer usually worked his own hours, and they were usually late with Wonshik not being much of a morning person and enjoying working nights.

“Two beers are on their way.” He smiled as he answered, looking longingly at the bartender as Wonshik sat down beside him. He wanted more liquid courage. Both of them were no fans of hard liquor, preferring the more merciful and slow-in-effect beer that could be enjoyed over a long evening in each other’s company. They were the only ones in their group who thought so, thus they were always at the bar alone and ended up developing a special friendship. Mostly it was Wonshik involuntarily working as a freelance therapist for Hakyeon’s cluttered and worried mind.

 The beers arrived soon after and Wonshik asked for some snacks. “This is my lunch break today.” He smiled cheekily at Hakyeon who gave him a slight frown. “I thought we were going to spend the night drinking?” If this was his lunch break it meant he had only an hour to spare, and Hakyeon had a lot to tell. Wonshik nodded with an apologetic look before taking his first sip of beer. “And is it okay for you to drink during your break?” He cocked an eyebrow in suspicion. Wonshik nodded to assure him. “I’m only composing by myself tonight. It’s okay if I stay a while, as long as I don’t drink much and work four more hours after.” He grinned. Hakyeon gave him an annoyed look, as he had always envied him the freedom he was given in order to give way to the creative process. He was allowed to work when and how he wanted, as long as he clocked 9 hours a day at the company. “Spoiled brat” Hakyeon muttered into the foam of his beer as he started on the night’s third glass.

“So, tell me. What the fuck is going on?” Wonshik started right away, making Hakyeon swallow faster than he wanted and almost choking. He kept his eyes on the woodwork of the bar, arranging his thoughts. He wasn’t even sure how much he had already told Wonshik. “How much do you know?” He looked at Wonshik as he asked. He frowned a little back, in thought. He sipped his beer slowly for a while before answering.

“The last time you told me anything was when he suddenly came back after staying away for a while, and you said he acted a little strange. Then you stopped telling me about him. And then I know he drinks alcohol continuously when you leave him home alone for too long, I guess.” His eyes was distant as he explained, then looked at Hakyeon when he was done. “Is he an alcoholic?” He asked, clearly worried.

Hakyeon quickly shook his head and hands in denial. “Nono, he actually rarely drinks at all!” He promised. The drunken behavior when he was in Japan had been a highly rare occurrence, as Taekwoon didn’t enjoy drinking very much and preferred Hakyeon not to drink as well. “So what’s the deal?” Wonshik pressed on. Hakyeon snapped his mouth shut, clenching his jaw in thought on where to start and what to tell.

He ended up telling Wonshik in detail of how Taekwoon had turned up after their break and basically acted like a zombie, then turning into a sex predator in order to avoid Hakyeon’s questions. He told him of the improvements in behavior and the parallel growth in clinginess towards Hakyeon, as well as how he had basically moved into his apartment only to leave for soccer practice.

When he was done Hakyeon felt a little sick. Telling Wonshik about it made the troubles seem all the more real and scary to him, and the permanent knot in his stomach was aching. Wonshik sat deep in thought, his face frozen into worry as he sipped up the rest of his glass slowly. He ordered another and turned towards Hakyeon.

“To me…” He started warily. “This sounds like depression.” His eyes were deep into Hakyeon, ready to catch the reaction. Hakyeon was grateful he was this careful about expressing his opinion, so considerate about the potential seriousness of the situation. Hakyeon caught a breath as if to speak, but didn’t. Wonshik continued. “Sometimes depression can make the person void of feelings, as they reach a stage of depression where they not only can no longer feel joy, but are unable to feel anything at all.” He was explaining carefully, as he was reading from a book, and it occurred to Hakyeon that Wonshik had been doing research. He looked and Wonshik curiously. “How do you know all this?” He asked, a little amazed. Wonshik blushed a little and shuffled in his seat, not giving Hakyeon eye contact.

“I was worried about you, that’s all…” He mumbled. His second glass of beer arrived and he snagged it quickly, taking a long sip. Hakyeon smiled at him fondly, feeling a little better. He considered what Wonshik had told him. Yes, depression could make sense and explain a lot of the behavior after he came back. Despite that, Taekwoon had honestly always been acting a little strange and distant, only to become surprisingly clingy after sex. He nodded as he went through the last few months in his head, comparing it to what he knew about depression. _He couldn’t have been depressed even back then, could he?_ Wonshik waited in silence, munching his snacks and sipping his beer.

After sitting in silence for a while, Wonshik sighed and set down his glass, catching Hakyeon’s attention to look at him. Wonshik leaned forward and looked him deep in the eyes with seriousness apparent. “You’ve fallen really hard, haven’t you? To get involved like this without trying to get out.” He stated, not letting Hakyeon look away as he did. Hakyeon blushed furiously, because he found it embarrassing how he had fallen for this bundle of trouble he had waiting in his apartment. He knew it wasn’t pity that kept him from chasing the man out of his bed and home. His feelings were sincere, and they had been rooting deep from the very beginning. “Yes.” He whispered in defeat, closing his eyes and letting his head fall. He heard Wonshik sigh and order another beer for him.

\--

Hakyeon was having a hard time not to stumble as he climbed the stairs of his building. Despite the amounts of liquid courage he had in his body, it was not enough for him to dare himself into the elevator. Instead he had to pause at every floor to steady himself, slowly and carefully making his way up to the fourth floor and the warmth of his bed. And water. He needed water.

As he climbed he wondered if Taekwoon was waiting for him, which was highly likely. He would most likely be a little annoyed with his half-drunken state, if he showed any reaction at all. His talk with Wonshik had dragged out to two hours, before the other had told him to go home and sleep on it. Wonshik had told him that he should confess his feelings to Taekwoon before letting things go any further, to which he had agreed but admitted to not having the courage. He had a deep-set worried feeling that the confession would not go well with Taekwoon. Wonshik had then argued that if that was the case, he would be better off doing it sooner than later in case he fell even deeper in love without the other having any mutual feelings. They had then settled that he would sleep on it and then confess when the time was right, as tonight was not the best time.

After Wonshik had left, Hakyeon was supposed to go home as he promised him, but ended up staying another two hours and drinking three more beers. The result was him coming home past one in the morning, stinking and very tipsy.

He did a short celebratory stretch and yawned when he reached the fourth floor, and then made his way into his apartment. It was dark, but he saw Taekwoon’s shoes on the floor indicating his presence. Hakyeon smiled happily at the sight, catching himself giggling a little. The thought of Taekwoon lying in his bed, naked, made him feel hot and his face flushed up slightly as he kicked off his shoes and walked into the apartment on unsteady feet.

He turned on the light, almost expecting to find Taekwoon on the sofa as he did so very often, but the livingroom was completely empty. He snapped his head to the right to see if the man was standing in his kitchen, but that was not the case either. He pouted for a second, before realizing that he had a bed and Taekwoon was most likely in it.

He moved towards his ladder eagerly, having a complicated battle with the steps as he tried to climb high enough to peek onto the bed. The bed was empty as well. He frowned deeply, disappointed. He sighed and climbed back down. He started to strip his clothing as he made his way to the bathroom to wash up.

As he opened the door to his bathroom, he was met with the blinding white light he had in there. His hands shot up to protect his sensitive eyes, but was soon moved to cover his heart as he yelled out at the sight of Taekwoon lying in the bathtub looking at him with an eyebrow cocked in amusement. Hakyeon huffed with a slight chuckle as his nerves calmed, embarrassed by his own reaction.

“Hey.” He breathed finally. Taekwoon blinked at him slowly in answer, then closed his eyes and leaned back to rest his head on the edge of the tub. Hakyeon watched him for a minute, realizing this was the first time he had seen him like this. He had never seen the man use his bathtub ever. Shrugging, he continued to strip his clothing and moved over to the sink to wash his face and brush his teeth. He had been wearing make-up to work, so he took his time to clean and tend to his skin as he felt increasingly refreshed.

As he padded his face merrily with a towel, he turned to see Taekwoon was looking at him with a blank look. He looked at him with eyebrows raised in question. “What?” He asked. Taekwoon lifted his arms from below the water to rest on the edges of the tub and lifted himself to sit more upright, then looked back up on Hakyeon. Not getting any response, Hakyeon ended up calculating the message by himself. “You want me to come in?” He tried. A slow nod answered him, and a tug at the side of Taekwoon’s mouth hinted at a smile. Hakyeon felt heat explode all over his body, and his could feel his face reddening. He looked down at his feet, hesitating a little. An impatient sigh came from Taekwoon, making Hakyeon’s feet move towards the tub as his fingers tugged at his boxers to take them off and join him.

His bathtub was surprisingly long. Hakyeon loved taking baths, and had saved up money to purchase one even before he bought his desk back when he had bought the unfurnished apartment. There was originally an old shower in the bathroom, but it was removed in favor of the tub with a combined shower as soon as Hakyeon could afford it. He had chosen this specific tub exactly because it was extra long, allowing him to stretch out his legs completely while submerging his entire body in water. He loved it.

As Hakyeon was stripped completely bare he moved to sit opposite of Taekwoon, but stopped when the man frowned at him. Hakyeon blushed anew, the thought of him sitting in front of Taekwoon with his back facing him somewhat turning him on. He could feel his abdomen stirring in excitement, but his body was also dulled by the alcohol he had been drinking. He stepped into the tub carefully, back towards Taekwoon. He was in turn keeping him steady with his hands on his hips as he sat down as slowly as possible to avoid water flying all over. As his ass made contact with the bottom of the tub hands embraced around him and pulled him as close to Taekwoon’s chest as possible and his head rested on Hakyeon’s shoulder. “Hey.” Taekwoon breathed into his ear, making Hakyeon’s body shiver and his abdomen stirred as Hakyeon turned his face towards the voice and met him with a sweet kiss. “Hey.” He smiled back as they parted, eyes locked on each other – searching.

He could see the feeling in Taekwoon’s eyes now. He could never explain what it was that he saw, but he knew when it was there and when it wasn’t, and it was very rare. In moments like this it would appear, and Hakyeon would relax and feel a flush of hope in his heart for the other. Surely, if he saw more of this it would mean improvement, he thought to himself.

Taekwoon broke eye contact to kiss Hakyeon’s shoulder then straightened up while slightly pushing him to lean forward. “I’ll scrub your back.” He said, sighing contently as he grabbed Hakyeon’s beloved bathing sponge and pressed it under the water surface for a moment before stroking it over Hakyeon’s back, the warm water spreading all over his back. Hakyeon relaxed and relished the attention, loving the sensation on his back as he was cleaned. As Taekwoon continued to wash him thoroughly, Hakyeon’s eyes closed and he started to slowly doze off. It was quite late, and he was becoming completely sober, ready to sleep it off. “Don’t fall asleep.” Taekwoon warned behind him, squeezing his thighs with his own knees to wake him up a little. Hakyeon only grunted in response.

Taekwoon huffed as if amused behind him, and abandoned the sponge to grab Hakyeon’s shoulders and lean him back against him. Hakyeon’s head fell backwards until it was resting on Taekwoon’s shoulder, eyes closed. Taekwoon’s arms sneaked around Hakyeon, rubbing at his abdomen in a downwards direction. Hakyeon whined slightly at the sensation, feeling his pelvis moving towards the touch without his permission. Eyes still closed, he felt a kiss on his temple before the hands moved on to rub on his inner thighs. Hakyeon lifted his knees to allow Taekwoon to reach more, ending up with resting his legs on top of Taekwoon’s legs on either side of him. His breathing became more labored at the sensations he was feeling, the water moving as Taekwoon’s arms did, doing things to Hakyeon’s privates as they woke to life.

He gasped and tensed as long fingers wrapped themselves around his hardening length, his hands leaving the tub edges to grab onto Taekwoon’s knees and squeeze. Taekwoon was resting his head on his, breathing and letting his hand pump him slowly as he whined at the sensations. No longer able to keep his mouth closed between gasps, he simply kept it open as he breathed along the rhythm of Taekwoon’s hand. He was keeping his eyes tightly shut, not wanting to see himself in this situation. He turned his head away from Taekwoon, who used the opportunity to slightly bite his ear and make him whine even more.

“You’re killing me.” Hakyeon was finally able to breathe out, his hand moving to grasp around Taekwoon’s on his length, making him squeeze harder and pump faster. Taekwoon let him do so, and soon after Hakyeon was undone with a pained gasp. He tensed as he came hard, Taekwoon simply holding him close and sucking a mark below his ear as he waited for him to become limp again. Soon Hakyeon was able to breathe in and felt his entire body collapse down, his limp cock very sensitive to the movement of the water. He turned his head and Taekwoon gave him another kiss, a long and passionate one as he was still not finished off.

No longer comfortable, Hakyeon struggled his way out of the bathtub. The water was no longer as warm, more lukewarm and a little dirty. Taekwoon followed, his standing erection impossible not to notice as Hakyeon gave him a towel. He accepted the dry cloth and wrapped it around his shoulders before looking down at his standing problem. Hakyeon was so tired he could drop, but didn’t want to leave the man like this before going to bed. Smirking a little, he stepped forward towards him and rested his hands on the sides of his abdomen as he leaned into another hot kiss. Taekwoon was kissing back a little more lazily, showing that he was tired as well.

Figuring he could fix the problem quickly for them both, he broke the kiss and dropped down to his knees. He could hear Taekwoon gasp a little as he understood what he was doing, his hand moving to tug at his hair gently as he studied the erection. He ghosted his lips along the length, so close that he was almost touching but not really. It was enough for it to tingle, Hakyeon knew, and he felt the hand in his hair tightening its grip. The sensation sent a shiver down Hakyeon’s spine.

“Hakyeon…” He heard the taller man whisper with a slight whimper. Showing mercy, Hakyeon quickly grabbed hold and engulfed the tip of the erection into his hot mouth. Taekwoon bucket at the sudden contact, a shout escaping him and the hand in Hakyeon’s hair pulling at it painfully. Taekwoon’s other hand grabbed the edge of the sink for support, as he found himself unable to stand straight when Hakyeon started sucking hard. His tongue licked upwards on the underside of the head as he moved his lips upwards and off with a slight pop. He breathed heavily for a second before taking it in again, a little deeper.

He wasn’t very good at taking it deep, but had learned to compensate with some tricks in order to avoid being asked for deepthroating  by his partners through the years. His hand pulled the skin back, exposing the head in his mouth, and he let his tongue run along the edge of the tip. The action made Taekwoon groan loudly, barely able to stay standing anymore. The hand in Hakyeon’s hair disappeared, probably to hold onto something more stable in order to keep him standing.

Hakyeon released him with another hard suck, looking up at Taekwoon’s hazed and slightly desperate eyes. He smirked and licked around his mouth, the soccer player’s healthy diet made his cum tastier than most, so Hakyeon swallowed the precum gladly as Taekwoon gulped at the sight. They were both breathing heavily, and Taekwoon gave him a begging stare. “Please…” He breathed when Hakyeon didn’t move.

Pleased, he mouthed the erection once again, sucking hard and then hummed a little. He pumped a few times while sucking, swallowing several times as Taekwoon was releasing quite a lot of precum. Even so, a little escaped the side of his mouth and dripped down his chin and neck.

He hummed one more time, driving Taekwoon over the edge with a stuttering groan, his legs finally bucking as he leaned forward and fell to his knees. Hakyeon quickly leaned away to avoid getting hit, and then found Taekwoon’s face to share the liquid he had been able to collect in his mouth. The kiss was sloppy, dirty and hot as Taekwoon moaned into his mouth, riding his orgasm with Hakyeon’s hand pumping his length dry. They panted heavily, foreheads leaning on each other and both of their eyes closed.

“That was…” Taekwoon started but trailed off. Hakyeon grinned, laughing a little wickedly. It was the first time he had given Taekwoon a blowjob, despite knowing how good he was at it. He had wanted to save it for a moment like this, to keep things interesting. “Yeah, I know.” He answered with a confident smirk.

\--

With weary but relaxed bodies, they lay down heavily on Hakyeon’s bed with content sighs. Stirring around a little to arrange the tangled sheets between the two of them, they moved to lie comfortably in each other’s arms; Hakyeon on his back with Taekwoon’s head resting on his chest and his arm around Hakyeon’s torso. Hakyeon rested his hand on Taekwoon’s head, caressing the hair thoughtfully as the other slowly fell asleep.

Worry made its way back into Hakyeon’s mind as he found himself unable to sleep, despite the tiredness he had originally been feeling when entering the bed. Judging by tonight, their relationship seemed ready for a confession, but Taekwoon’s state was forever swinging. He would have to analyze him carefully in order to do it the right moment. If there even was such a thing. His stomach worried at the thought of confessing, and as if the thoughts affected him – Taekwoon stirred a little in his sleep. Hakyeon watched him fondly. “I don’t want to lose you.” He whispered before leaning back and forcing his eyes shut, a small tear sneaking its way out the side of his eye and down the side of his face.   

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just want to make sure you understand that even though Wonshik suggests depression here, he is not "the man with all the answers" and it's simply his opinion and now an answer to everything.


	11. Cold Wind

The sound of the rice cooker woke Hakyeon up the next morning. He stirred a little, feeling around blindly to check if he was alone – and he was, as per usual. Rolling over on his back and opening his eyes, he groaned a little. He could feel he had slept with tense muscles, his body feeling heavy and stiff, limbs cracking when he tried to move them. His overseas business trip had earned him a couple of days off, and he was going to enjoy every minute of it.

He rose from the bed and climbed down from the loft. The sunlight was illuminating the entire room through his big windows. It was a little too bright for his eyes, but as they adjusted he sighed contently and reveled in the natural warmth of sunlight as he overlooked the park outside his building. He wished he was able to see the running track Taekwoon used every morning from there, but the park was big and the track was out of sight.

After washing up quickly he stepped into the kitchen to make some breakfast for them both. He didn’t have many expectations of the contents of his fridge after his trip, but opened the door to have a look anyway. It was quite empty, it usually was, but there was a pack of eggs there and his mother’s kimchi was still stored neatly in a sealed box. He grabbed them both and set them on the kitchen counter, closing the fridge door. He checked a cupboard to see if he had any packets of instant soup left, but to no such luck.

“I guess we’ll make due with scrambled eggs and kimchi…” He mumbled out into the empty apartment. It wasn’t an impressive breakfast, but Taekwoon had never complained about the food.

With perfect timing Taekwoon entered the apartment just as Hakyeon was finishing up the eggs, plates and bowls already set out for them both.

“Hey, food is just ready.” Hakyeon smiled brightly at him when he entered from the hall, looking in his direction. A slight twitch tugged at the side of his mouth, making Hakyeon’s chest flutter, as he nodded. He strode straight to the bathroom to wash up and change, Hakyeon watching him as he went. _He seems to be in a good mood._

In Japan he had gathered some courage. Wonshik had confirmed his theory that his absence would end up with Taekwoon practically moving into his apartment, and he felt it was confirmation enough of the feelings he thought the man might have for him. Despite the lack of actually showing it to him directly, Hakyeon had caught on that his presence in Taekwoon’s life had certain significance. He felt it was time to make it official, and then Taekwoon could open up about his issues and they could figure it out together somehow, he thought. A feeling of worry was still clinging to his gut despite his fresh determination.

Taekwoon stepped out from the bathroom, a towel resting around his neck and bangs wet from splashing his face with water. He rubbed them sloppily with one end of the towel as he made his way to the stools by the kitchen island and sat down. Hakyeon grabbed their two mugs of coffee and walked around to sit beside him and offered him one. He accepted it with both hands, bringing it up to his nose right away to inhale the scent. He had a certain love for the smell, Hakyeon had noticed, as he would sit like that – coffeemug resting beneath his nose, inhaling – for a little while before he would start eating. He wouldn’t even take a sip before after eating some food, just smell it and set it down.

“Do you have soccer practice today?” He asked, sipping his own coffee while watching Taekwoon eat. If he didn’t know Taekwoon’s body language as well as he did by this point, he might have thought that Taekwoon was ignoring his question, but he could see him think about it. Barely.

Taekwoon set down his chopstick and reached for his coffee, still thinking. A puzzled look appeared on his face as he turned to look at Hakyeon. “What day is it?” He asked quietly. Hakyeon’s eyebrows rose in surprise. _Is he joking?_

“It’s Monday.” He blurted. Taekwoon stared into space for a moment before nodding and turning away from Hakyeon while nodding. “Yeah.” He then said. It took Hakyeon a blank moment to understand it was an answer to his question.

“Is it okay if I come watch?” He pressed on. He had never seen Taekwoon in action so far, his team seriously lacking actual games to go to. It had left Wonshik asking several times if his team was any good, when all they did was practice. Hakyeon had tried to defend him by suggesting it was off-season, even though he had no idea why they didn’t play matches.

Taekwoon tensed at the question in a millisecond, Hakyeon wouldn’t have been able to catch it if he hadn’t been watching closely, and stopped sipping his coffee. Hakyeon panicked slightly, about to say he didn’t have to if he didn’t want him to – when Taekwoon nodded with a hum and sipped his coffee calmly. Hakyeon’s shoulders dropped back down in relief and he smiled gratefully at Taekwoon before turning to his food and eating his first bite.

\--

They exited the bus outside the soccer field belonging to Taekwoon’s team. Hakyeon tried reaching for Taekwoon’s hand, but he flinched away. He gave him an apologetic look when Hakyeon frowned at him in confusion.

“My team doesn’t know about…” He mumbled, trailing off but gesturing his hand between them. Hakyeon had nodded in understanding and stepped a little further away from him to demonstrate, giving a reassuring smile. Taekwoon’s expression relaxed and they walked to the soccer field side by side.

It wasn’t a grand thing, just a grass mat and a couple of benches on one side. A running track surrounded it, and quite a few people not wearing soccer gear were running. He was lead to the benches to sit, and Taekwoon handed him his windbreaker before jogging lightly to his coach and team. He felt slightly awkward sitting there alone, tugging the jacket on his lap into a hug and bracing himself against the cold breeze. The weather was sunny, but the wind was cold and intruding – sneaking into his clothes and cooling him down as he sat still.

Hakyeon knew next-to-nothing about soccer, but was able to see that Taekwoon had quite the talent. He was very quick, tricking his opponents with his feet at lightning speed and passing the ball to teammates seconds after receiving. He didn’t know if it was because he had no clue, but to Hakyeon it seemed as if Taekwoon was a lot better than his team’s average level. He seemed to play with them, while they were trying to fight him.

After a while he fell into a sort of trance, eyes just following Taekwoon as his mind wandered. He didn’t notice the coach approaching him before he sat down beside him and introducing himself with a hand stretched out. He jumped slightly, thrown back into reality, and turned his body to introduce himself.

“You’re Taekwoon’s friend, right?” He asked after Hakyeon had told him his name. He nodded, smiling a little awkwardly. _Right. Friend._

The coach was an aging man, around 60 or 70 years old Hakyeon guessed, with grey hair and a very friendly smile. He gave off a feeling of a kind grandfather of sorts, his whole appearance giving off a very kind aura. It made Hakyeon feel a little less nervous about the approach.

“Are you guys close?” He asked. Hakyeon’s heart beat slightly harder at the question, as he considered his words to not give away their relationship.

“I’ve only known him for six months, but I guess you can say we’re close.” He smiled at the thought. He had gotten closer in the last months, there was no doubt. The coach nodded thoughtfully, a worried line furrowing his brows.

“I was wondering if you knew anything about what’s been bothering him the past months? He’s been off for a while now. Out of focus.” He looked at Hakyeon with genuine worry when he asked. Hakyeon’s stomach tightened. “I’m sorry, I don’t know either…” He mumbled, looking down at his knees. He wished he knew. _Oh, how he wished he knew._

A sigh escaped the coach and they sat in silence for a while, just watching the team doing their exercise. The coach would bark out a remark here and there, but didn’t move from Hakyeon’s side. Hakyeon could see Taekwoon glancing over at them more often than he had when he sat alone.

“He’s quite good, isn’t he?” The coach said with a much lighter tone. Hakyeon looked away from Taekwoon and at the coach, smiling and nodding in agreement. “He’s been scouted a couple of times, but he says he doesn’t want to leave the team.” He continued.

“Really?” Hakyeon blurted in surprise. The coach nodded.

“I tried to talk him out of it, but he’s kind of hard to reach.” He chuckled slightly, a hint of frustration in his tone.

“I know” Hakyeon agreed with a heavy sigh without thinking. He could feel the coach watching him as his own eyes followed Taekwoon. It seemed as if he was going to say something more, but his breath hitched and he got up from the bench, immediately barking orders at the players as he walked away from Hakyeon. He turned stopped and turned slightly, waving at him and smiling another friendly smile, and walked over to the team.

\--

“Your coach seems nice.” Hakyeon said, breaking the silence as they walked together towards the bus stop.

“Mm” Taekwoon hummed in agreement, nodding slightly. It was clear that he was tired from practice, shoulders heavy and his walking sort of tapped of energy. The practice had lasted an entire 2 hours, and he had given a 100 percent all along. Sweat was running down the side of his face, his hair wet, and his shirt beneath the jacket he had taken back from Hakyeon was soaked. The wind was still pretty chilly, and the sun was starting to descend. Hakyeon just wanted to get him home before he caught a cold.

“Let’s go home and take a warm bath, alright?” He asked, trying to sound cheery while his stomach was tight and nervous. He found himself completely unable to shake away the unpleasant feeling these days, even when things weren’t that bad. He had almost grown accustomed to the lump in his stomach by now, so used to worry – which was even more worrying in itself.

“Hakyeon.” He stopped in his tracks at Taekwoon calling his name, surprised. His stomach jumped in worry for what he might say. He had been walking one step in front of Taekwoon, and turned around towards him when he spoke. Taekwoon was frowning, almost making him look angry.

“Please don’t worry so much.” He said, clearly for once. It took Hakyeon by surprise, and he felt his heart beating because he had never expected him to say anything close to that. He hadn’t been trying to hide his worry, rather trying to make it as apparent as possible to show Taekwoon he cared, but the lack of reaction from the other almost had him believing he was being ignored. Apparently not.

A hint of anger emerged within him then. How could he not worry when he was acting like this? He studied Taekwoon’s frowning face, which was still looking at him like he was angry. Hakyeon inhaled shakily, turning around completely to face him.

“I can’t just ignore what’s going on with you.” He said, keeping his voice steady and void of the many emotions racing through him. His expression relaxed a little, the frown disappearing but a worried line was still apparent between his eyebrows. He let out a frustrated sigh, and Hakyeon’s eyebrows lifted as he waited. But no response came, as Taekwoon just looked down. He was just about to start walking again when Hakyeon blocked him way with an arm reaching out in front of him.

“Taekwoon, please. Give me something. Anything.” He tried to make eyecontact, but to no success. “I just want to help.” He whispered as Taekwoon broke past him, feeling defeated and broken. He already knew the other had shut him away, like he usually did if he started asking questions. He wouldn’t talk now. He felt a lump in his throat at the failure, and turned and followed the other to the bus stop with his head hanging.

There seemed to be no end. Even though Taekwoon was warming up to him on most days, he still wasn’t sharing any details or giving him any information to go by. All he had was a man that acted like an empty shell on some days and a broken child on others. And then again; there were days where it seemed nothing was wrong that left Hakyeon hoping. It was the only thing that kept him hoping for things to get better with time.

As they sat side by side in silence on the bus, Hakyeon’s mind was racing with emotion. Was there even a point to this? Was he even of any help, or did he just make things worse by letting Taekwoon cruise around in his life wallowing in the pain or whatever he was coping with? Did he have to push harder, or would that just scare him away for good? And what if that was for the best? The thought of losing the other had his chest tighten, and he felt the lump in his throat pressing. He sniffed slightly, eyes prickling. He shifted in his seat, moving an inch closer to Taekwoon’s shoulder and the warmth of his body. He willed the tears away and closed his eye, keeping his breathing even by taking long breaths through his nose.

He felt Taekwoon’s shoulder move beside him, and a warm hand found his knee and squeezed very lightly. He stared at the hand now resting on his knee and felt his head clear a little. He had to push on. All or nothing. Or else it would end up breaking him as well.

\--

They had to cross the park outside Hakyeon’s building in order to get home from the bus stop. The sun had hid behind grey clouds, the wind catching up slightly – making it even colder for the two as they walked with hurried steps, Taekwoon a few steps in front of Hakyeon. Hakyeon was gathering courage as he tried to keep up, watching his back. He looked around to find the park empty and took the deepest breath he could manage before he stopped walking.

“Taekwoon, wait!” He called. Taekwoon stopped abruptly and turned. He looked at Hakyeon for a moment, a little confused, before taking a few steps towards him and closing the gap between them. His eyes were searching Hakyeon’s, and for once there was worry in them. He had sensed something was up, Hakyeon realized. He bit his lip for a moment, releasing a small, shaky breath. His hand tugged at the sleeve of Taekwoon’s jacket.

“Why won’t you tell me what’s going on?” He tried for the millionth time since they got together. The sadness, brokenness and soreness of his voice made this time different as he studied Taekwoon’s dark eyes. He avoided eye contact and the arm Hakyeon was holding the sleeve to, gripped his wrist.

“Let’s just go inside.” He said, voice tight, harsh. Hakyeon flinched and closed his eyes as he resisted the tug Taekwoon was giving his arm.

“No.”

“Hakyeon-”

“I love you.”

There. He had said it. With his eyes tightly closed, hands made into tight fists he had said it. Out loud with a raised voice. His heart was beating loudly in his ears. He waited for a reaction, relaxing his eyes a little to try opening them.

When he opened them, Taekwoon had a hand in his hair and an unreadable expression on his face. He stared at Hakyeon, taking a backwards.

“Hakyeon, I don’t-” He started, but interrupted himself. He closed his eyes, took a long breath and let down his hands to hang by his sides. He looked at Hakyeon with genuine sadness. “I don’t love you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> To see the ending of this story, go read chapter 1 again. Yes; it's evil, but that's how it is.


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